So lost

I’m having a hard time.  It’s the anniversary time of my mother dying, which is adding to my sadness.  Getting dumped didn’t help, I’m still sad about that.  I miss him. I still miss my mom, so many years later. I’m a person full of holes.  My life is feeling like one big hole right now.  I wish I could just disappear into it.

I need to build a life for myself.  It seems impossible.  I’ve been living in Portland for almost 5 years and I don’t have a close friend here. Work is still not thriving. I’m failing at the most basic things. I’m too old to be this bad at the basics of life.

I don’t know how to make friends. And I’m so full of shame about how lame my life is to even feel like I can reach out, not that there’s anyone to reach to.

People my age are mostly married or seriously partnered, busy, busy busy with work and friends and family and their wonderful lives. Meanwhile I’m losing my mind to the emptiness that is my life.

I’m pretty introverted.  I don’t need lots of friends.  But I need some.  I’ve got some great ones but they’re all far away. I can’t stand doing “fun” things alone anymore. I feel like a pariah being alone. So I’m just hiding in my house like a weird hermit.  Which I need to do but when it’s all the time I start to lose it. And I’m losing it.

Did I ever have it, though? I’m not sure. I’m trying to be grateful for what I do have. But I’m still overwhelmed by sadness. By aloneness. By emptiness.

I guess it’s pretty fucking zen though.

Missing

people are reading this, it’s really amazing to me.  But the one I wish was reading is surely not.  He has just shut me out.  Like he never cared at all.  And I really miss him.

I shouldn’t.   He literally just turned on a dime and doesn’t care about me anymore. Won’t talk. Wants to be alone.

I thought, stupidly, that we loved each other.  I was clearly so wrong.

It hurts more to miss someone who doesn’t give a shot about you anymore. Makes you wonder if they ever even did.

I miss him.  And then I feel so stupid.  Love is precious.  But mine is clearly worthless. He’d rather be alone.

Guess I’ll start meditating again.  Because I cannot try anymore.

One day at a time

3F3CB3F3-2AFB-4460-B67A-3F2B5DF41CC0.jpeg

I’m just barely getting by.  Everyone on social media seems to be living each day to the fullest. My days are so empty I might lose my mind. And the nights are worse.

I’m trying to just keep going. Going where I have no idea.  I don’t know what I can hope for. Hoping for love and someone to build a life with seems out of reach.

I should have seen the writing on the wall when he put new songs online titled “bail out” tongues tied tight” and “ghosting”.  How fucking stupid am I?  Obviously, very.

I’m trying to find ways to create more work for myself. I can’t figure out how to make friends but maybe if I can make more money I can visit my far away friends more frequently. Even before my relationship collapsed I was feeling like I needed to get my life more together.  But I felt like it was possible, manageable.  I had some support and affection.  The warm light of love makes impossible things seem possibly possible. Now I just try to get through each tiny day without collapsing under my endless sorrow.

If my life has a theme it’s probably impermanence.  Nothing ever lasts. I’ve started over more times than I can count. I’ve got so many holes in my heart, my life, that can never be filled again. Maybe it’s my karma to withstand loss after loss and I’ll never get to have anything in my life that helps me feel whole. Maybe I should stop hoping for any bit of solace, for any ray of light.

If only I could have a cat. I’m so good with cats. Cats almost always love me. It’s people that I am not great with.

You know it’s bad when you’re only dream is to be a cat lady!

On repeat

I keep trying to reach out to my former elskan mín. He keeps saying he wants to be alone. Now he’s said he doesn’t want to repeat himself. So I’ll stop trying.

But how do I stop caring?  How can I turn off my heart?

How can I reconcile being worthy of love yet so easily discarded by someone who claimed to love me? I can’t imagine how I can ever try again.  Not that I should even bother.

It must be nice to just move on. Not care. I always care too much. You’d think I’d learn.

Maybe this time it’ll get through to me. I probably should have given up a long time ago.

If only wisdom came with grey hair.

Just disappear

I’m trying to keep from drowning in sorrow. I don’t know if I’m succeeding. Doesn’t feel like it.

I felt like I was seen, valued and loved.  But I was wrong.  I was thrown out with ease. And now I feel so alone. Invisible.

I feel compelled to keep writing. But what do I have to say?  What do I have to offer? Does anyone want to know my inner thoughts?

I want my writing to give me some perspective, some healing. Instead it just feels as futile as everything else in my life.

I might just disappear completely. But if no ones looking does it even matter?

Deleted

I wrote a whole post a few days ago that I deleted.  I’ve never done that before.  I just didn’t think it was of any value. I don’t feel like I’m of much value right now.

I have been deleted from my exes life.  X-ed out. I feel like everything I gave, all that love, was just worthless. Trash. Thrown away.

I don’t know how to muster any hope right now. I’m trying to expand my life but it just keeps getting smaller.

I went and took a class today, something I’ve been wanting to do and feeling too scared to do.  And I did it. And I hated it. I’m trying to find something else to try but nothing appeals. Nothing fits my schedule and interest.  But I need to find something. I need more work but I also need more life.

Hermitdom is my natural state but I used to have more balance. I don’t know how to reach out again. I don’t know how to meet people, make friends. I’m so lonely that I feel like I should hide, which is a viscous cycle.

I’m so desperate that I’m contemplating going to a yoga class.

Yikes!

Alone

I gave all of the love I have to someone and they’ve decided they want to be alone.

My love is not wanted. Not worthy. He’d prefer to have nothing.

I’m sad. Empty. Unlovable. Alone.

Not what I was hoping for.

I can’t even hope to hope again.

I’m not sure I can keep writing. I’m not sure I have any thing worth saying. Another middle aged lady that no one wants. I don’t have a funny or clever way to spin this.

I’m going to try to focus on my work. Take care of myself. It’s hard to find the motivation to care about eating healthy and exercising but I need to anyway. Somehow.

I guess there are worse things than being alone. If only that made me feel better.