spinster hymen

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I’ve been in Portland for 4 years now. I’ve been dating on and off, but it’s been almost 3 years since anything significant has happened (like sex). I’m pretty sure my hymen has grown back.  That last guy I dated seriously courted me, didn’t make a move for 5 dates, then disappeared from the face of the earth after we finally had sex. Very mediocre sex, if I’m being kind. So I’m pretty paranoid about this cute little thing we’re calling “ghosting” now.

So, a little over a month ago I met someone. Someone pretty great. Someone who reminds me a little bit of Benedict Cumberbatch. Swoon-worthy. Lovely date. He texted once he got home… “you got me craving ice cream now (we had talked about the over rated-ness of salt & straw, the addictive nature of tillamook small batch) Can I bring you some?”  He came over. We listed to a super bizarre children’s record about an unemployed horse. We ate ice cream. I was in the midst of straining a batch of bone broth which he found cool, thankfully not a vegan. Epic make out session ensued. He is brilliantly sensual, amazing with his mouth. Swoon.

After a week of texting, sexting and talking, he cancelled our date the same day. Then he says he’s not ready to be dating. I’m crushed. We talk for 2 hours on the phone, he winds up coming over  and we tried to just cuddle. This was impossible and we wound up having sex… but he came as he was entering me… so I’m not even sure it actually counts? He literally tried to jump up immediately. I was super consoling, I’ve had this happen to me many times during first time sex (see post #3 about my speculum shooting abilities).  I told him not to worry about it. I said we can try again. He said he should go. Then another week of texting/sexting, date planning, he can’t wait to see me, etc. Then another same day cancel. And he’s says he needs to think about things for a couple days and decide if he wants to continue seeing me. Long weekend camping trip. I’m expecting that I’ll hear back sometime monday. And when I don’t I text. And when I get no response I text. And text. My “ghosting” /childhood abandonment issues button gets pushed.  And I text way too many times.  And then, of course another “I can’t date right now” text. So I’m crushed. Again. I’ve ruined things. Again. What if I hadn’t been so fucking lame & texted a million times? And on top of everything else I’m not even sure if my spinster hymen is still intact. Did that even count as sex? Will any man ever find me worth liking, let alone loving?

I sadly wish that he’ll miss me, find me so irresistible that he will come back. That I’m so compelling that he’ll find me worth it. That I’m too good to just walk away from. Hope is such a cruel cunt.

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