Remember back when all that “Louis CK is a creepy masturbator!” news was coming out? During that time I went on a date and the guy looked alarmingly like Louis CK. He had wisely curated multiple photos that really hid the fact that he looked just like Louis CK. O.K. Fair enough, dude. The date proceeds. Pretty boring, if surreal. Yet I had no idea how surreal it was about to get. We’re talking, it’s all normal, then his hand goes under the table. And starts jerking up and down. Rhythmically. For real. And the worst part is, I’ve had so many weird bad dates that I was just stunned into a horrified apathy. Perhaps he was trying to be funny? (Unlikely, he was not funny.) Maybe it was a nervous tic? (Possible. I’d be nervous if I looked just like Louis CK.) Or he was actually jerking off under the table. And I just sat there. The date ended. I walked home. I was not traumatized. I was just a new level of grossed out & fed up.
Why is it so hard to find a man who is first and foremost an upstanding human being? Perhaps it’s just me? Why on earth should I continue this farce of “dating” when it’s such a horror show? And as I just found with my Benedict Cumberbatch look-alike, when I do find a seemingly great guy, he decides to “opt out” because he’s “not up for being in a relationship or casual sex because I’m not up for communicating well”. Yeah, it’s obviously me. Hot enough to jerk off to, not worth the trouble to be able to touch.