Why is consent such a confusing issue?

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All this talk about sexual consent is great… I guess. I actually think it’s pretty sad that it’s such an issue. It shouldn’t be. If you can not talk about sex clearly with your partner, if you aren’t tuned into them to know if what’s happening is mutually acceptable, you are not mature enough to be having sex. I would never want to do something to someone that they were not fully into. The fact that anyone would, that they enjoy it even, is deeply disturbing. Cultural misogyny has really created a huge mess of sex.

I have this friend. We don’t live in the same place, but when we are in the same place we have sex. This has happened a handful of times. It’s been fun. But the last time it happened something else happened. We were having sex. He was behind me. At the end he decided to put it in my ass. Something we’ve never done. He didn’t ask. He said he was doing it as he did it. And I said “no”. And he had already done it. It happened so fast. He came. In my ass. I cleaned myself up (thank fuck I have wet wipes with me when I travel, anal sex is pretty messy).  Then we went to the swimming pool.

I don’t even really know what to think, feel or say about this. This guy is not a rapist, but he did a very rapey thing to me, without my consent. I literally said “no” but it was already happening. He chose to not stop. He’s not a monster. But. But…

I may see him again. If I do I may tell him that was not ok, I certainly would if we were to have sex again. But I’m not walking around in a rage, or shaking inside with fear. I brushed it off. We as women are conditioned to brush this kind of shit off. And that is just as much of a problem as the fact that a man would stick his dick in my ass without asking, even as i said no, just because he wanted to.

Was that rape? I am not sure. My general feeling is “sort of”.  We all need to see that #metoo is not just a women’s issue. It’s also a men’s issue. It’s a cultural issue. We all need to understand why consent is ever even in question.

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