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I never took chemistry in High School. I moved from one state to another in the middle and somehow the fact that I never took this required class was missed, and I graduated anyway. This is good because I’m shit at math and have zero interest in messing with chemicals.

But I know chemistry when I feel it. But it’s very elusive and I don’t understand it any better than actual chemistry. But it happens when you meet someone. Not online.  I keep seeing men in their profile talking about the chemistry being part of “matching” but that’s not how chemistry works. At least not for me. I can find someone attractive in a photo, or even many photos, then upon meeting realize that they have managed to use the 5 pictures that make them way better looking than they are in real life. Or they aren’t anything special in pics but in person they are attractive. There’s something there, that elusive spark.

Someone really gorgeous and sexy can immediately be so unattractive upon discovering they are as boring as a bowl of corn flakes.  But I’m not sure it’s like that for men? And I think men put a lot more stock in that “chemistry” hit from the photo, which I find so weird. But I guess for men a lot of “chemistry” is actually just “wow, boobs!”.

I want that spark. To me it feels like recognition. Whenever I’ve met someone who I had that spark of “chemistry” with I felt a recognition, the moment I saw them. Something that makes me both excited and nervous. Familiar, comfortable and full of butterflies. Of course I want someone who is attractive. Sexy. Funny. Smart. Interesting. But it’s something more that makes it magic. The magic of being seen. Understood. “He gets me!”. Of course being desired feels good. But I think we all really want to be seen. And that is terrifying. And people create an image that feels safe. I am terrible at being anything other than myself. And despite all the “just be yourself” shit, being myself has led to being middle-aged and single with no hope in sight of ever having love. Being loved. Being desired. Being seen and not scorned and abandoned.

I’m fine being alone. But I want to be more than fine.

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