not living the dream

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I haven’t posted in a few days now. I don’t feel inspired.

I joined, thinking it would be better than the free ones. It’s not. Some guy wrote “Do I know you from somewhere?” No. “Are you a RCS Parent?” No. “Do you live in NE?” No. “Oh, well I guess you just remind me of some actress.” Oh. Huh. Thanks?

My vaguely reminiscent of Benedict Cumberbatch is seemingly only horny every three weeks. Or he has like 9 other women he’s pulling this “I’m not relationship material” scam on. I don’t think the latter is the case but what do I really know? I know I’m not interesting/compelling/cool/sexy/worthy enough of very much of his time. I know that I’m trying to be ok with this. Mostly I am. I’d rather take what I can get. But I need to believe that I’ll be interesting/compelling/cool/sexy/worthy of someone’s time, someone’s love. I’m trying to believe this. But some proof would be helpful.

I was full of excitement and joy over an upcoming vacation and retreat. I was going to get to be part of an amazing art film project that I’ve literally been dreaming of for close to 10 years. And today I found out that it’s most likely cancelled. Not enough people have signed up. I’m still going to go on vacation but now it’s yet another vacation I’m taking alone. This project would have been a chance to meet people, share an experience, be part of something beautiful together. I’m going to have a lovely vacation I’m sure but I wish I was sharing it with someone. Ditto my life. It’s going ok. But being alone get lonely. It’s fine for now. But if it’s never going to change I don’t know if I can handle it. I want someone to share with. I want to be touched, more than once every three weeks. This dream is not seeming like one I’ll ever realize. It’s so normal, almost all my friends are married. Even total assholes have love in their life.

I know this is supposed to be entertaining, to all my 16 followers, but I’m just not feeling funny. A dream I thought I was finally realizing was crushed today. My dream of having love, having a partner, sharing life, that one is crushed bit by bit, daily. Nightly.

Maybe I’ll get “lucky” and have a string of shitty, funny, material-rich dates soon and this blog will be good again. A girl can dream, right?

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