The country I was born into values independence. Individuality. And those are good traits. But it’s made a whole cult of self centered-ness, look out for number one-ness, I’m more important than anyone else so I can act like an asshole-ness. In a country where individuality is put on a pedestal it’s no wonder we can’t fucking get along with each other.
I’m a very independent person. I’ve always been a bit of a loner. I have friends but I need alone time. But too much alone time can make you lose your mind. A life alone is not what I want. But I should be used to it by now. I should resign myself to the fact that this is what I have. Accept my spinster hag fate.
But an evil combination of biochemistry and social programming keep that damn longing for love alive. I wish I liked drinking more. I’d drown my fucking sorrows. As it is I’m drowning in them.
Writing all this is just pointless. No one cares. I’m pretty surprised that I have a whopping 18 followers! I’m glad that some people are reading it, but I’m pretty sure there are some way more awesome lady bloggers writing better stuff about there spinsterhood.
Everywhere I look it’s brides. I was feeling so depressed by all the posts about getting married and anniversaries. I went to the park, to get away from it. And there was a fucking bride doing a photo shoot. And I’m not stupid and delusional enough to think anyone will ever want to marry me… but the fact that I can’t even find a half assed boyfriend it pretty demoralizing.
I am not one of those people who won’t/can’t do things alone. I do things alone. But I’ve been so alone for so long that I no longer even want to bother. I want someone to share time with, share experiences, share meals with, maybe even share a home with.
Too much independence isn’t healthy. We are meant to live together, to bond. I must be too fucking broken.
I can’t continue to seek. I can’t keep trying. It’s so futile. I’ve watched most of my friends and many acquaintances find their love/husband/wife/soulmate. The ones that are single are divorced, which to me seems like more of a success than a failure, at least they got to try marriage. I know they’ll find the right person soon enough. They are amazing wonderful people.
As for me there is obviously no person for me. I’m obviously neither amazing or wonderful. I’ll try to find a way to enjoy being alone. Or at least survive it. Although I don’t really know why I should. I’m clearly unlovable, unnattractive, untouchable and not worth anyone’s time, let alone love.
I really need to learn to fucking knit.