positivity

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So, I’ve always sucked at being positive. I mostly radiate sadness. Unless I’m successfully being invisible, which is perhaps my best skill. I’ve become so invisible I almost don’t exist these days.  I have struggled with depression and anxiety since early childhood. Both of my parents were very depressed and troubled people. Neither of them had successful relationships. I did not get any modeling of positivity. I did get told to “be quiet” which was like a fucking compliment  in comparison to “you are a worthless piece of shit” as well as “you are so stupid, stupid, STUPID!” both of which are pretty embedded in my mind.  So, yeah, I struggle with self-esteem.

I’ve been very depressed the past several days. And my posts are suffering. I’m sorry. If you all abandon me, don’t worry, I’m used to it.

I want to be more positive. I fucking try. But I’m coming off some of the roughest, scariest and soul crushingest of few years of my life, none of which has been a bloody rose garden. I had everything fall apart, I was abandoned by everyone I thought was on my side, I had no work, no money, no close friends where I live. It took me over 1 year to find a job again in my field, I took some really shit job that I got paid $10. an hour to tear my rotator cuff to shreds. Over 2 years later the shoulder is mostly healed, not 100% but hopefully it’ll get there. After a little over a year I’m building my work practice but am still paying at least 50% of my monthly income on rent. And I actually have really cheap rent so it’s pretty shitty that I am unable to get to more reasonable 30% situation. I have great clients. But I need more of them.

I still don’t have a single friend here in Portland. And I’ve been here too long so I’m too ashamed to even try to meet people because I’m such a weird socially unsuccessful hermit freak. I’m taking a comedy improv class and I’m hoping I might make a friend there. Or I’ll just have a wonderful time exposing my innermost self and be ridiculed and ostracized in a group setting. So exciting!

So I want to be positive. I want to feel good about myself, my life. Yet the reality is I’ve spent the past 2+ years climbing my way back out of the deepest hole of despair I’ve been in a long time, I’m finally stable and “doing better” but my “better” is absolute shit by any standard. I’m barely getting by and I have no friends in my physical hometown. Without my friends who are far away I’m sure I would have given up by now. I love them all. But I need a friend here, that I can hang out with, go places, have adventures with. I’m poor as fuck and lonelier than I’ve been in a long time. And pretty much alone in my life. I guess I could be proud of my self-sufficiency. I have managed to get back on my feet, to the sad pathetic level I’ve managed. But it’s not something to be proud of. It’s not a life anyone would hope for.

Everyone is getting drunk, blowing shit up and cooking dead animals on open flames. But since I’m a lonely hermit I’m waiting until it’s over. I don’t like this holiday so much anyway. But I’d give anything to be at a barbecue, feeling socially anxious, awkwardly talking to people while eating fried food.

I’ll try to be positive. I am healthy. I’m not competely hideous looking. I’ve managed to lose the evil perimenopausal 15 pounds that was plagueing me. I have a place to live. I can barely afford it, but it’s mine, all 300 square feet. I have some cat friends in the neighborhood. The feeling I get when one of those cats sees me, it’s face lights up and it runs over to me, that is often the nicest thing that happens to me all day. Sometimes all week.  If I could find a friend who was half that happy to see me would be a miricle. To find a man who lit up like that upon seeing me would be more than a miricle. It would be a Lifetime movie.

 

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