to dye or not to dye

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I’ve been going grey since my early 30’s. My mom went grey early. Hers had a lot of silver and mine does too. I actually think it’s lovely. But I also feel the societal pressure to jump  on the “anti-aging” boat, particularly since I’m middle-aged, female, single, with no hope of ever having love in sight.

In my mind I have dark hair with grey. Lots of grey but still predominantly dark hair. In the mirror this is confirmed. But the reality is in full daylight I’m a grey haired lady. which means Old. As. Fuck.

I’ve dyed my hair before. I don’t like it. It changes my texture, and I’ve spent my life figuring this shit out so I don’t want to start again with that! And it’s toxic. And it dries your hair out, after decades many women’s hair is visibly trashed from decades of dyeing. And I like my grey and silver hair! I don’t like that it might well be the reason many guys aren’t interested. On men, grey hair is “distinguished”. On me it just signals “dried up hag waiting to die”, which is so unfair. But true.

Of course there are men who don’t care. Who even find it beautiful, sexy. Of course mister “I’m not relationship material” vaguely reminiscent of Benedict Cumberbatch  loves my grey hair. Of course the one guy who finds me super attractive still doesn’t deem me worthy of a relationship.

I wish I didn’t care. I don’t care enough to change something I actually really like about myself, but I’ve been programmed by society to disdain something that is completely natural. And fully embraced for men to do. “Distinguished”.

“Ant-aging” is so misogynistic. It’s 95% targeted towards women. And SO many women are buying it. Buying it all. And it’s not cheap. It’s also a full-time job. A full time fixation.

And honestly, with the hair dye, I’m never ever fooled by this “trick”. It doesn’t make you look any younger than you look. You just don’t look like you have grey hair anymore. And by a certain age it’s certainly fake. But we are conditioned to read grey hair on a woman as “OLD”.

Why are the fucking blond highlights so imperative to looking young and attractive yet when nature starts giving you natural fucking highlights you better cover that shit up immediately!

I won’t do it. I wish sometimes I wasn’t so devoted to being natural and not giving in to the misogyny that makes women’s youth valuable and her aging cause for dismissal. Maybe if I wasn’t so stubborn I wouldn’t be alone. I don’t want a man that shallow. But it appears that this means I get no one. Or maybe I’m just unlovable, no matter what I look like. Maybe I don’t deserve love. All evidence in my life is pointing to that. Why bother dyeing my hair. I’m just waiting around to die. Alone. I can’t even have a cat.

Is there anything sadder than a catless spinster hag?

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