unsubscribe

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Just when things seemed to going great in my dating life of course I’m hit with something out of left field. And we all know how I feel about sportsball.

The saga of my complicated non-relationship with vaguely reminiscent of Benedict Cumberbatch had seemed to settle into a good place. I wasn’t expecting anything other than mind-blowing sex once in a while. When he had/made time for me.  And I was ok with this. He had professed to be “not relationship material”. OK. He even encouraged me dating other people, joked about me making out on dates.

So when I met someone else that I like, and wound up having sex with that guy, I didn’t think v.r. of b.c would mind. I forgot to tell him when we got together. We were pretty busy. But I figured I’d text him. I don’t think text is a good place for such conversations but he doesn’t like talking on the phone. And he has broken up our non-relationship over text a few times now so it seemed like the best way to relay some news that I was certain he wouldn’t care about.

So when I got basically a “unsubcsribe me” message back I was floored. Flabbergasted. WTF.

I am not a fucking mailing list.

Apparently, he isn’t comfortable with having sex with me if I have multiple partners so he is “opting out”.  Again. And I am still not a mailing list!

So, he doesn’t want a relationship. Not with me anyway. I have always thought his “not relationship material” status was just his way of saying thatam not relationship material for him. Which hurt a little but I get it. And we have such a good connection and such amazing chemistry that I accepted this.

But he never said I had to be exclusive. He certainly never said he would be. I didn’t think he would even care! I figured someday he’d find someone worthy of his actual relationship-ability and I’d be blown off.  But now he’s thrown me out like trash, opted out of our mutually satisfying once in a while sex non-relationship. Like I’m some pottery barn catalogs he keeps getting and finally clicks that unsubscribe button to cease delivery.

Seriously? I want to find a real relationship. I want actual love. I know, how dare I, right? But how on earth would I do that if I can’t have sex with anyone I’m dating? We all know you have to try that shit on! And I never would have done so if I knew he had a problem with it. And why does he have a problem with it? He doesn’t really want me for himself. That is very clear.  And he never  even intimated that he wanted exclusivity. In our non-relationship. In which he keeps me at arm’s length. With his very very long arms.

I’m fucking stunned. And sad. And furious. None of it makes sense. And he won’t text or speak to me. He’s clicked unsubscribe and that’s that. Which I do not think is cool. At. All.

I wish I had some clever and funny way to wrap this up. But fuck. I really don’t. I’m sadly praying he will call me and we can talk this through. Come to some understanding. I do not want to stop seeing him. Despite all the bullshit I love spending time with him. The last time we hung out it was so very lovely. We had the best fucking time. And the best fucking fucking. It’s seriously epic.

So why am I so easy to just throw away?  Do I have an “opt out” button on my forehead? I know he finds me unlovable but now I’m also unfuckable? In spite of all the drama we’ve had I can’t fathom just walking away from such  amazing sexual chemistry. When I’m with him I don’t think of anything else. Not anyone else. It’s pure bliss. I don’t have any expectations. And I thought he didn’t either. But apparently he expected that  I would remain exclusive to him, despite the fact that he doesn’t want anything more that sex once in a while. With no hope of ever having anything more. And despite my being fine with everything, the exclusivity part was NEVER  discussed. And why would I assume that it was desired?! Or expected? But apparently it was required. And there wasn’t even any fine print. I didn’t miss the memo. He had this rule yet never voiced it. And now I’m being punished for breaking it.

Seriously, what the fuck?

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