Opt out

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I wasn’t aware that my vagina was a fucking mailing list!  Imagine my surprise when I was told by vaguely reminiscent of Benedict Cumberbatch that he was “opting out”.

Actually, I wasn’t surprised. He’s used this phrase before. More times than I can recall.

I am totally smitten with this guy. Have been from the moment we met. Pretty early on he pulled this opt out shit, claimed he isn’t relationship material, yada yada. Then he missed me so much he came back around, and we had a purely sexual relationship. An amazing, chemistry through the roof, fantastically delicious sexual relationship. Swoon.

But it’s been plagued by him having me at arm’s length. And he’s got some long fucking arms. This opt out shit is always floating around the perimeter. And I was okay with this. But when I was told I broke their trust by having sex with someone else I was floored. We never made that agreement. Generally speaking when a man wants sex whenever he feels like it, on his schedule, with no relationship commitment or expectation of ever going in that direction, that is not an exclusive situation. Unless she’s a “sugar baby” getting at least 5 grand a month. And I am not a fucking sugar baby. I am not any kind of fucking baby. And despite not being baby, you still can’t put me in the corner.

Even I can’t muster my usual “If I was better, prettier, sexier, smarter, cooler, more worth it, actually lovable, he would step up. Opt in!  But I don’t think so. I think that we had the most wonderful, gorgeous, delicious, amazing time together and then when I sprang this news that I thought was non-news, due to his clearly expressed lack of interest in any commitment with me, he sprang on yet another opportunity to opt out. Of my vaginal mailing list.

And fuck. I don’t want to stop seeing him. I fucking want to see him. The look on his face as he was kissing me goodbye said “I already can’t wait to see you next time”. He fucking lights up when he sees me. I know I certainly do when I see him. When I think about the “him”  that I know and adore, albeit only his sensual, sexual, sweet and saucy AF sides, I light up. Even now. But I can’t be worth so little. I AM lovable. I want to find someone who lights up at the sight of me and makes me glow and also will never opt out of me through a fucking text. Who will want to spend time with me. To spend some life with me.

Please, please, please, let me get what I want. Lord knows it would be the first time.

 

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