Face the facts, you stupid bitch.

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Ok  I know I’m not a stupid bitch. But I really feel like one right now.

In actuality I am a super awesome and extremely complicated person with a huge heart, full of mostly unrequited desires. And dreams I don’t dare to truly hope for.

I very unwisely got optimistic about dating. I should know better.

It’s not like I thought I had found my soul mate. I’m pretty sure I don’t get one of those, or if I do it’s a fucking cat.

But I thought maybe I’d get to enjoy someone’s company and affection for some time. How fucking stupid of me.

I’m 45 years old. I’ve never been married. I was asked once, by my alcoholic, meth head boyfriend who saw the look on my face and immediately played it off like he was kidding. Maybe he was kidding. I loved him dearly but I knew it wasn’t a healthy relationship. You know, because of the drinking. And the meth.

I haven’t had a relationship of any consequence in so many years I can’t really remember if I actually ever had one  at all. Has any man ever actually loved me? I’ve loved a lot of men, but I haven’t chosen well in the past. And as I try to make better choices in partners I see that good men, men who don’t have meth problems, they might like having sex with me for a minute, but they always throw me out like trash.

I don’t want to live a sexless life. I’ve gotten used to living a loveless life, I don’t like it but I can function. It’s basically just like my childhood but I’m paying the rent and bills now. But having had a sex life, albeit sporadic, complicated and not emotionally fulfilling, that was making life bearable. Now I don’t know how I can go on. If no one is ever going to ever touch me again I’d really rather just fucking die now.

It’s such a cruel joke of nature to fill me with such a desire for love and connection with a man. I’m so obviously not what any man  wants at all. Why aren’t I filled with a desire to knit and play bingo?

 

2 thoughts on “Face the facts, you stupid bitch.

  1. You made a Good choice, to avoid getting caught up with someone else’s meth and drinking. You very likely saved yourself much misery. And maybe after that you were alone. But safer, and with less daily frustration and heartache.

    But don’t let the alone-ness make you feel, as you say: “I’m so obviously not what any man wants at all”. Probably not true. The earlier choice was a good one for your own self-preservation and sanity. Dont let being alone build up too much fear to try for something better. There is better. You deserve better and yes you can have and feel better! Meet new people. Someone unmarried, with a job, local, who you find attractive, and who has some common-interests. Just because it didn’t happen today, doesn’t mean it won’t happen. Brush your hair, be friendly, smile, engage in small-talk. See who you “click” with. 😊

    Like

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