Ok I know I’m not a stupid bitch. But I really feel like one right now.
In actuality I am a super awesome and extremely complicated person with a huge heart, full of mostly unrequited desires. And dreams I don’t dare to truly hope for.
I very unwisely got optimistic about dating. I should know better.
It’s not like I thought I had found my soul mate. I’m pretty sure I don’t get one of those, or if I do it’s a fucking cat.
But I thought maybe I’d get to enjoy someone’s company and affection for some time. How fucking stupid of me.
I’m 45 years old. I’ve never been married. I was asked once, by my alcoholic, meth head boyfriend who saw the look on my face and immediately played it off like he was kidding. Maybe he was kidding. I loved him dearly but I knew it wasn’t a healthy relationship. You know, because of the drinking. And the meth.
I haven’t had a relationship of any consequence in so many years I can’t really remember if I actually ever had one at all. Has any man ever actually loved me? I’ve loved a lot of men, but I haven’t chosen well in the past. And as I try to make better choices in partners I see that good men, men who don’t have meth problems, they might like having sex with me for a minute, but they always throw me out like trash.
I don’t want to live a sexless life. I’ve gotten used to living a loveless life, I don’t like it but I can function. It’s basically just like my childhood but I’m paying the rent and bills now. But having had a sex life, albeit sporadic, complicated and not emotionally fulfilling, that was making life bearable. Now I don’t know how I can go on. If no one is ever going to ever touch me again I’d really rather just fucking die now.
It’s such a cruel joke of nature to fill me with such a desire for love and connection with a man. I’m so obviously not what any man wants at all. Why aren’t I filled with a desire to knit and play bingo?