the jackass parade

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What is it with dating that brings out the bullshit in people? Fuck. The jackass parade never ends.

The match/unmatch, reached out to connect and finally make a date to meet guy, has disappeared, after much messaging. Why the fuck did he even bother? It’s for the best as he’s clearly a fucking waste of time, but I wish I had a better bullshit detector. I’m drowning in it.

And if another guy states his interest in connecting followed by his lack of interest in anything “serious” I will scream. If you’re not interested in anything, don’t seek anything. Or just say you are only looking for sex. But this “I want the benefits of a relationship without the effort, commitment or vulnerability involved” shit is not cool. Pay a hooker. That’s the job description.

I can do a sex only situation. I wish I was still doing sex only with he who shall not be named. Man, do I ever. But even that gets complicated. it doesn’t have to. But people aren’t often great at dealing with feelings. Or with communication. I’ve made mistakes. I will own up to that. But I communicate. People who just shut me out make me insane.

I hope I hear from the one guy who I am pretty interested in getting to know better. But I have no idea if I will. I don’t trust my own brain, judgement or intelligence anymore.

And I still pray for that harp tone to emanate from my phone. For an Opt back In message.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

If I can’t even keep a fucking fuck buddy thing how do I imagine I’ll ever find actual love?

Maybe I don’t deserve it. If I do I’d love to know where it is. Or when.

I can’t stand the wait.

I miss you. And I haven’t met you yet.

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