thoughts & prayers

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Don’t worry, this post is NOT about school shootings. No. It’s about those thoughts & prayers that I hold for myself. And the ones I fear to dare to think, hope & pray for.

I know I come off like a polyamorous ethical-slut, but that’s never been my jam. And it’s only 2 guys, dude. I’ve had an “open” relationship before, except when I wanted to fuck a guy my boyfriend informed me that he was only comfortable with me fucking his friends. Uh. O.K. He was a skater. That was a fun time.

But he wasn’t fucking anyone else. Dude. None of my friends would have fucked him. He was missing a tooth. A front one. Yeah, he’s a post of his own someday. I loved him despite trying not to. Another post…

So Ed Norton went on a date. She was “nice”. “Cute & interesting”.

Great.

But yeah, of course he’s dating other people. And I’m totally fine with it. Except for that little part of me that is not totally cool with it.

I do have a very extroverted, confident & gregarious side. My inner performer. I love being onstage. I’m pretty fantastic as a performer. And I can be funny as fuck. I’m a really good dancer. I can be “the life of the party” at the right party. I know I’m pretty rad, I’m super cute. Sexy af. Fun. Interesting, if weird appeals.

I also have a very strong introvert, shy, hermit for years side. I have a side that thinks I will never be good enough for anything good. My dear ol’ departed dad made sure that I knew my worth in his eyes, lack of worth that is. “Worthless” was a dominant theme. We’ve talked about my motherload of daddy issues before.

My mom helped me with how broken my dad made me feel. I need her. That force of nature level love that a mother gives is irreplaceable. And it’s gone. People who say “she’s still with you!” can just fuck right off. No. She’s dead. I scattered her ashes, found her chemo port in them, unburned. I want to call her. Her phone is forever disconnected.

But now I have to be a big girl. A grown woman. Lady time. O.k. I can do it. everyone’s is motherless eventually, unless they die before their mom.

I can handle Ed dating. Maybe he’ll keep liking me. Maybe he’ll find someone so fucking awesome that I never hear from him again. Doubtful. Who fucking knows.

I really like Ed Norton. And, yeah, shout-out to you, dah’ling. I know you read this. So fucking Metta, broadcasting my deep, dark dating secrets online. For those I’m dating to read. Yeah, did not think that through. Too late though. Spinsterhag is a fucking force of nature now.

Can’t stop. Won’t stop. Merch coming soon.

 

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