Failed again


not my image 

My confidence has been flagging. Today it’s pretty much dead.

I should be out socializing with some fellow workshop goers this evening before the workshop tomorrow but the thought of going out and talking to strangers made my blood run cold and I couldn’t do it. I had an amazing jumpsuit picked out to wear and everything. But.  Strangers.  Talking.  People I admire.  Who are wildly talented and successful.   And me.  I just can’t.

I’m so excited for the workshop. I will feel anxious for sure but I can manage it.  But having to talk about myself, my sad excuse for a career, trying to be a presentable professional in a social setting, I just can not do it.

I hate this feeling.  I’ve gotten dressed, fabulously, for many a party or event that I failed to leave the house for.   I’ve walked into parties and events, fabulously dressed, and just turned around and left. I can be very social when I feel up for it.  But I can also need to hide in my bed and cry at the mere thought of making social small talk.

And with colleagues it’s especially terrifying. My career is going nowhere, very slowly.   I feel very disheartened.  I’m doing what I love but I’m not doing enough of it. I’ve been at it for close to a quarter of a century and yet still just getting by. Feeling alone and unsupported.  Without a community.

I had a particularly humiliating setback today.  I was really looking forward to seeing elskan mín this evening, after the little event I’m too anxious to attend, but he’s sick so I’m alone. I feel very alone in life lately.

I don’t know what’s going on with my relationship.  I feel like he’s drifting away. Maybe it’s a phase, he needed space but since we reunited he feels very distant still.  I feel very unmoored, from something in myself.

I don’t know if I’ve ever actually been confident. I’ve faked it. But I feel less able to do so the older I get. Maybe when I’m really old I’ll find that confidence in myself that doesn’t get crushed so easily. I’d love to be one of those fabulous women who just doesn’t give a fuck and marches on in the face of defeat to push their way to victory. But right now I’m just sort of old,  hiding in bed.

I feel like my life is so small. So small it might just disappear. I’ve got some wonderful friends but none are close geographically. I’ve  got some wonderful clients who make my work feel meaningful on good days, yet the stress of not having enough work to feel secure is always present.  I’ve got a lovely boyfriend who I adore spending time with… who I think is just drifting away.  And I don’t know what to do about any of it. Except hide when it’s too much. Except cry. Except accept that maybe I just kind of suck at life and this is it for me.

Maybe tomorrow won’t be so terrifying.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll find some shred of confidence in myself someday again.

Tomorrow, tomorrow! Jesus, I sound like a depressed adult ”Annie”.


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