So lost

I’m having a hard time.  It’s the anniversary time of my mother dying, which is adding to my sadness.  Getting dumped didn’t help, I’m still sad about that.  I miss him. I still miss my mom, so many years later. I’m a person full of holes.  My life is feeling like one big hole right now.  I wish I could just disappear into it.

I need to build a life for myself.  It seems impossible.  I’ve been living in Portland for almost 5 years and I don’t have a close friend here. Work is still not thriving. I’m failing at the most basic things. I’m too old to be this bad at the basics of life.

I don’t know how to make friends. And I’m so full of shame about how lame my life is to even feel like I can reach out, not that there’s anyone to reach to.

People my age are mostly married or seriously partnered, busy, busy busy with work and friends and family and their wonderful lives. Meanwhile I’m losing my mind to the emptiness that is my life.

I’m pretty introverted.  I don’t need lots of friends.  But I need some.  I’ve got some great ones but they’re all far away. I can’t stand doing “fun” things alone anymore. I feel like a pariah being alone. So I’m just hiding in my house like a weird hermit.  Which I need to do but when it’s all the time I start to lose it. And I’m losing it.

Did I ever have it, though? I’m not sure. I’m trying to be grateful for what I do have. But I’m still overwhelmed by sadness. By aloneness. By emptiness.

I guess it’s pretty fucking zen though.

Jól

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It’s Christmas Eve in Iceland. The children are decorating the tree with lights and candies. Food is being prepared. I’m so grateful to be here experiencing Icelandic Jòl with my friends, feeling part of the family.  It’s not so much about the gifts as it is the experience of sharing time with family & friends, sharing food and enjoying the cozy time.

The only way this trip could be better would be if elskan mín was here with me.  I miss him terribly. I want to share my love of Iceland with him, introduce him to my friends and have adventures here together. Hopefully soon.

I both never want to leave & to go home to my love as soon as possible. That’s how I know it’s really love, he makes me glad when it’s time to go back home because he is there.

I hope you all are having a wonderful time today, whatever your beliefs or traditions. Even if it’s just relief that holidays are almost over! I hope the New Year is a wonderful one for us all. In a world that looks grim the light of love, friends & family is all we have. I’m so grateful.

Bring on 2019, the year of the Hag!

Are you going to blog about this?

F7DD0AC4-3725-48F2-B558-6D96A70C915A.pngApparently all you need to be happy is open arms and balloons.  Lots of balloons.  That must be what I’m doing wrong!

I had a wonderful holiday with elskan mín and my family.  It was really lovely.  I was going to write all about it.  But now it seems like a distant memory.  I’m not surrounded by balloons.  I’m not feeling like opening my arms. I feel like I’ve fucked it all up because I suck at being happy.

I was asked, accusingly, if I was going “to blog about this” not long ago.  And no, I’m not blogging about that. Or that.  But I need to write about this because now I’ve been plunged back into my native state of fear & anxiety and blogging helps.   Who knows why.  Maybe I should try balloons.  But I was also told, in a heated moment, that I’m “never happy!”   And this made me want to run. Hide. Die or dissolve into the ether.

People Being happy isn’t something I grew up around. My parents were both deeply unhappy people. I was a very happy child but being sexually assaulted as a toddler at daycare and then feeling abandoned by my father during my parents divorce a few years later put a huge damper on my happiness. I was depressed as a young girl.  I pulled my hair out in handfuls when my dad moved out. I know anxiety well. Fear. Depression.  Happiness seemed like a fleeting trick or something reserved for better people.

Being told that my deepest fear is actually true I really flipped out.  I started to just bolt but then stayed to try and talk but that didn’t go well.  When I get emotionally stabbed in my most vulnerable wound I am not good at staying calm or rational.  I probably don’t hear what the person is saying after clearly.  All I know is I’ve failed at just being a good, happy person and I’m humiliated that I ever thought I’d succeed.

Falling in love is amazing.  And I’m so in love. I want to make a life with this man. Which feels amazing. And also terrifying. It’s so much more comfortable to stay alone and accept that being kind of ok but very lonely is the best I should dare to hope for. But I’ve gotten out on this limb of love and I want it to work.  I want to be happy.  But I think I’m really shit  at it. I’m scared of being to happy. Bad things can happen when your guard is down. But not much can happen when your guard is up,especially when it’s made of 12 inch thick bulletproof glass and you’ve become so lonely you’re actually invisible.

There was a fight.  We will talk.  I hope things can be worked out. I hope my fucking hot flashes cease. I hope for things I dare not hope for and hate myself for it when it all goes wrong. But I want to learn to be happy and not self destruct because it’s more familiar. I want a life with love and connection and I hope I can build that, with elskan mín.  I hope I haven’t ruined things already. I wish I’d gotten better at relationships by my age but all I can do is try to be better now.

I’m totally  failing as a blogger because I was focusing on being in love. And when it goes wrong I turn here to try and get clarity, or just cope. But  I want to have both!  Certainly if it comes to it I’ll choose love for sure. I mean, I know my 44 followers will be fine without my intermittent rambling. And I’d be fine if things fall apart in this relationship but I don’t want to be fine, I want to be happy, as scared as I am.

But maybe I’ll get to have it all?

the first “fight”

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(if only our first “fight” was in Iceland driving the ring road like this photo appears to be, so romantic!)

 

We had our first fight. An argument, sort of. Really a misunderstanding, miscommunication, a discussion that got emotional and ultimately ended in a wonderful talk that clarified some real key issues and brought us closer. But in the middle of it I was terrified. That I would ruin everything.

I don’t like to fight. Or argue. It’s not fun. I love to discuss, and I’ve found a man who likes me having “strong opinions” and we can disagree on things and there is no problem. This is wonderful.

But while my emotions were getting the best of me I was feeling total despair. I want him to understand me, to see me as I am. When I realized that he had gotten this skewed image and I was trying to make things clear I was so scared that I’d fail  or maybe he’d decide I wasn’t “good enough” for him.  But then we talked it out and it was so good to resolve things through the tears and confusion.

I love him SO much. And this gratitude feels so good, almost as good as being in his arms.

We are going to spend Thanksgiving with my family.  I’ve never taken a boyfriend to a family function, ever. I wish he could meet my mom so much. I think she’d approve. I’m looking forward to this milestone, and all the ones to follow.

Spinsterhag is turning into a grownup!