I’m having a hard time. It’s the anniversary time of my mother dying, which is adding to my sadness. Getting dumped didn’t help, I’m still sad about that. I miss him. I still miss my mom, so many years later. I’m a person full of holes. My life is feeling like one big hole right now. I wish I could just disappear into it.
I need to build a life for myself. It seems impossible. I’ve been living in Portland for almost 5 years and I don’t have a close friend here. Work is still not thriving. I’m failing at the most basic things. I’m too old to be this bad at the basics of life.
I don’t know how to make friends. And I’m so full of shame about how lame my life is to even feel like I can reach out, not that there’s anyone to reach to.
People my age are mostly married or seriously partnered, busy, busy busy with work and friends and family and their wonderful lives. Meanwhile I’m losing my mind to the emptiness that is my life.
I’m pretty introverted. I don’t need lots of friends. But I need some. I’ve got some great ones but they’re all far away. I can’t stand doing “fun” things alone anymore. I feel like a pariah being alone. So I’m just hiding in my house like a weird hermit. Which I need to do but when it’s all the time I start to lose it. And I’m losing it.
Did I ever have it, though? I’m not sure. I’m trying to be grateful for what I do have. But I’m still overwhelmed by sadness. By aloneness. By emptiness.
I guess it’s pretty fucking zen though.