I’m just barely getting by. Everyone on social media seems to be living each day to the fullest. My days are so empty I might lose my mind. And the nights are worse.
I’m trying to just keep going. Going where I have no idea. I don’t know what I can hope for. Hoping for love and someone to build a life with seems out of reach.
I should have seen the writing on the wall when he put new songs online titled “bail out” tongues tied tight” and “ghosting”. How fucking stupid am I? Obviously, very.
I’m trying to find ways to create more work for myself. I can’t figure out how to make friends but maybe if I can make more money I can visit my far away friends more frequently. Even before my relationship collapsed I was feeling like I needed to get my life more together. But I felt like it was possible, manageable. I had some support and affection. The warm light of love makes impossible things seem possibly possible. Now I just try to get through each tiny day without collapsing under my endless sorrow.
If my life has a theme it’s probably impermanence. Nothing ever lasts. I’ve started over more times than I can count. I’ve got so many holes in my heart, my life, that can never be filled again. Maybe it’s my karma to withstand loss after loss and I’ll never get to have anything in my life that helps me feel whole. Maybe I should stop hoping for any bit of solace, for any ray of light.
If only I could have a cat. I’m so good with cats. Cats almost always love me. It’s people that I am not great with.
You know it’s bad when you’re only dream is to be a cat lady!