One day at a time

3F3CB3F3-2AFB-4460-B67A-3F2B5DF41CC0.jpeg

I’m just barely getting by.  Everyone on social media seems to be living each day to the fullest. My days are so empty I might lose my mind. And the nights are worse.

I’m trying to just keep going. Going where I have no idea.  I don’t know what I can hope for. Hoping for love and someone to build a life with seems out of reach.

I should have seen the writing on the wall when he put new songs online titled “bail out” tongues tied tight” and “ghosting”.  How fucking stupid am I?  Obviously, very.

I’m trying to find ways to create more work for myself. I can’t figure out how to make friends but maybe if I can make more money I can visit my far away friends more frequently. Even before my relationship collapsed I was feeling like I needed to get my life more together.  But I felt like it was possible, manageable.  I had some support and affection.  The warm light of love makes impossible things seem possibly possible. Now I just try to get through each tiny day without collapsing under my endless sorrow.

If my life has a theme it’s probably impermanence.  Nothing ever lasts. I’ve started over more times than I can count. I’ve got so many holes in my heart, my life, that can never be filled again. Maybe it’s my karma to withstand loss after loss and I’ll never get to have anything in my life that helps me feel whole. Maybe I should stop hoping for any bit of solace, for any ray of light.

If only I could have a cat. I’m so good with cats. Cats almost always love me. It’s people that I am not great with.

You know it’s bad when you’re only dream is to be a cat lady!

Worth

I’m trying to stay positive.  Or at least neutral.  I’m doing ok. But it’s still a challenge to not collapse into depression.  I’m sad.

I feel mad for even having hope for the relationship to last. But I thought he loved me enough to work through the challenges that invariably arise.  But instead he thought so little of me that throwing me away like trash was no big deal. That is what hurts the most. That I was so wrong. That I’m not worth loving.

Friends keep telling me that I’m lovable, that’s it not me. But when it keeps happening it’s got to be me, right?  Either I’m not lovable or I just pick men who don’t love me despite my supposed lovability. Either way I’m alone. Again.

I miss my former elskan mín. But I wonder if I even knew him? Did he feel anything for me?  How did it all just evaporate?  Will I ever find someone to build a loving stable relationship with?  Am I even worth that kind of love?

It’s hard to feel worth love when your own father didn’t love you and told you how much of a stupid worthless piece of shit you were. I hear all that in my head any time I fuck up, which is pretty much all the time.  I’m trying to stay afloat and I’m surprised to find that I’m doing sort of ok but that voice, that despair is just there. It’s unlikely that it will ever disappear. I hope I can prove it wrong, I hope I can have a successful relationship someday.  Spending the rest of my life alone sounds worse than death. I can’t even have a cat.

Is there anything sadder than a catless cat lady?

 

breaking up is…

Screen Shot 2019-03-27 at 3.19.08 PM

(not my image)

They say breaking up is hard to do, but it seems like it’s easier to do than staying together.

My relationship is over. Quite unceremoniously. Done. Great.

I’m crushed, crushed flat. I feel too tired to be sad. Too tired to feel.

Relationships take work but you can’t do it alone. If one person isn’t interested in working on it, it’s over. Now I am back to being alone and working on my self, my life, my career. With no partner, with no love and support to carry me through when I feel challenged, hopeless. Ok. Same old, same old.

I can do this. But fuck, I want love. I want a life with someone. I want someone to dream with, hope with, weather the storms of life with. But for now I’m on my own, in the rain, dreading the coming spring when all the lovey couples cavorting in the sunshine together.

I can’t stomach the thought of entering the dating pool again. Drowning seems preferable. Time will tell. I’m guessing that my spinsterhag fate might just be what it is. If by my advanced age I’m still alone I should probably just give up. Take up knitting.

If only I could get a cat!

love is everything

IMG_2892

Love transforms everything it touches. I was convinced I’d never find love and have to spend my life alone, maybe someday being able to get a cat was the best I dared hope for.

Then I met elskan min. But at first I wasn’t sure… I was involved with both Ben & Ed, and I insanely thought that maybe it would go somewhere, with Ed at least. And I did like him, I liked them both. But neither were emotionally available in any real way. And neither were the perfect man for me either.

My dearest elskan min is so perfect for me. If only he was rich it’d be a fucking fairytale! But I love him and I think we’ll be able to make a lovely life together despite our collective economic struggles. We are a perfect pair, he makes me feel so comfortable and he’s so sweet and funny we are always laughing, kissing, cuddling, laughing some more.

I am so grateful that we found each other. Tinder is a miracle. It brought us together. He was wonderful to wait while I figured out that he was the one for me. He is so sweet to me I thank my lucky swipe every day.

If you’re struggling to find love, don’t give up. I found it, at the ripe old age of 45, grey hair, peri-menopause and all. If it can happen to me it can happen to anyone.

Don’t stop swiping. Or hoping. Love is on its way. In the meantime love yourself. And pet all the cats you can!

ode to Portland

I’ve been in Portland for a little over 4 years now, in my little dollhouse apt for 4 years as of October first. It has taken me a looooooong time to say

I like you, Portland.

This fall is just gorgeous. No rain, beautiful skies and temperatures. I’m also in love and life is going pretty well so that makes it easy to see the sunny side of life. But I am really liking Portland, finally!

It’s not love, but who knows? Maybe someday I’ll swoon over this town, weirder shit has happened. Like finding true love on tinder.

I love the clouds in Portland. I love all the trees, and the light on the leaves. Fall colors are pretty stunning here, if not like glorious Connecticu(n)t. I love the cats, you’ll see cats walking through many neighborhoods. I love the little metal rings that harken back to when people parked horses instead of cars. And the roses. I love the roses. It is known as the city of roses and they are everywhere. I smell them often.

I am excited about my life here, finally. I feel hope for the present and the future, which for me is a rare state, optimism doesn’t come naturally. I’m so grateful that I’ve found home, work, love and can feel some tender roots starting to sink down in this place.

And only 2 months until Iceland!!!!!

My love affair with Iceland

F2F9DE41-2DC4-48AC-BEB3-CB0D14833254It was love at first sight.

I first visited Iceland 10 years ago. My love of Björk led me there. And my love for Iceland keeps me coming back.

Its beautiful. Epically gorgeous. It’s also full of amazing and creative people making incredible art, music, fashion, food, etc. They have a very black humour which I share. They might seem a bit cold at first to those who enjoy aggressive friendliness but once you get to know them they are warm and generous people. I have made wonderful friends. I feel like I’m a visitor more than a tourist.  My friends have welcomed me into their home like family. I’m currently on a bus going North to stay with my friends’ cousin who met me and invited me to stay with her.  I’m so fucking grateful for all the love and kindness being bestowed upon me!

Here  are a few of my favorite things about Iceland.

62DC88AC-780C-4ACA-9675-091780AE7318

The hot springs.  The swimming pools. Even the tap water is geothermal.  That sulfur smell is pure heaven to me.

0F3E713E-152E-4773-8D49-45DEE863D57E.jpeg

The fact that you must wash without your swimsuit before entering a pool  This means no nasty fecal matter floating in the water! Please do it.

AB4D4CE2-E880-455F-B96B-FD324BC4DF86.jpeg

 

The walkability. I’ve been walking all over town, taking in the sights, taking photos and looking at the lovely shops with local made items.

BD600C35-F556-4ED2-B1F1-13FCB42F15DF.jpeg

0C127C98-F481-4D20-BC4D-49880609F597.jpeg

9C4C4DC9-6356-4600-889E-AD72C8FF8E9E.jpeg

The prevalence of Art. The museums are amazing. The street art is amazing. Most people have at least one creative “hobby” if not a full fledged pursuit. Many are gifted in many different forms.  Art is part of life here, not something just for privileged people.

ECCC6D11-57C8-4F51-9C3A-9AA424D0454C

The cats.  There are cats all over town, out and about.  I am forever trying to photograph them. Some are local stars and really know how to pose.

3D2B30DB-D443-4CF8-AF31-F6E078F8A4D2

The colorful houses. They brighten the city when it’s gloomy and grey. It’s cheerful even in the rain.

411FB52C-E517-46F7-A66F-18162714B5B6

It’s made a home in my heart. I miss it when I’m away. I never want to leave, except now that I have my elskan mín waiting at home for me I actually want to go home. To him. It’s blowing my mind. It’s lovely to be in love.

Someday I’ll bring my love to the place I love most and it’ll be an epic love fest.

For now I’m having the best time possible without him by my side. He’s keeping my heart warm from a thousand miles away.

Elskan mín

FACB67DA-97E6-4726-AE57-1D8E27FDC48D.png

It’s official.  I’m in love.  Meet my boyfriend, Andy from Weeds/AKA sk8 dude.  He’s rad.

The final rose ceremony was pretty anticlimactic.  I just decided to stop with the bullshit and  choose. Ed was drifting away anyway.  Benedict is still celibate (& maddeningly “wants me to be happy with Andy but also hopes I’m not attached for too long since his celibacy streak will end eventually.  Fuck.  If you wanted me I’ve been here all along, dude. Am I more appealing now that someone else wants me too?).

So it would appear that Andy kind of won by default, on the surface.  But he’s the right choice. He’s so sweet. Super sexy. Hilarious. I was just hesitant because on paper he looks like the guys I dated in my 20’s.  But he’s not, not really.

I got so used to guys being halfway into me, to wondering if they really liked me, that Andy’s upfront “I really like you” was a bit  terrifying.  It took me a minute to actually accept it. But once I did I felt so at home with him.

I’ve been missing him like crazy. And I never miss anything or anyone while I’m in Iceland! It’s unprecedented. He told me he loves me for the first in Instagram messenger! I’d almost said it before but swallowed it since it’s such early days. But it feels right. He makes me feel both crazy swooning in love and completely grounded at the same time.  I’m so happy.  He’s the best. I’m so grateful for tinder bringing us together, & for his being patient while I sorted out my shit and realized that he’s my guy.

I just hope being in love doesn’t kill my blog!