the first “fight”

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(if only our first “fight” was in Iceland driving the ring road like this photo appears to be, so romantic!)

 

We had our first fight. An argument, sort of. Really a misunderstanding, miscommunication, a discussion that got emotional and ultimately ended in a wonderful talk that clarified some real key issues and brought us closer. But in the middle of it I was terrified. That I would ruin everything.

I don’t like to fight. Or argue. It’s not fun. I love to discuss, and I’ve found a man who likes me having “strong opinions” and we can disagree on things and there is no problem. This is wonderful.

But while my emotions were getting the best of me I was feeling total despair. I want him to understand me, to see me as I am. When I realized that he had gotten this skewed image and I was trying to make things clear I was so scared that I’d fail  or maybe he’d decide I wasn’t “good enough” for him.  But then we talked it out and it was so good to resolve things through the tears and confusion.

I love him SO much. And this gratitude feels so good, almost as good as being in his arms.

We are going to spend Thanksgiving with my family.  I’ve never taken a boyfriend to a family function, ever. I wish he could meet my mom so much. I think she’d approve. I’m looking forward to this milestone, and all the ones to follow.

Spinsterhag is turning into a grownup!

 

love is everything

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Love transforms everything it touches. I was convinced I’d never find love and have to spend my life alone, maybe someday being able to get a cat was the best I dared hope for.

Then I met elskan min. But at first I wasn’t sure… I was involved with both Ben & Ed, and I insanely thought that maybe it would go somewhere, with Ed at least. And I did like him, I liked them both. But neither were emotionally available in any real way. And neither were the perfect man for me either.

My dearest elskan min is so perfect for me. If only he was rich it’d be a fucking fairytale! But I love him and I think we’ll be able to make a lovely life together despite our collective economic struggles. We are a perfect pair, he makes me feel so comfortable and he’s so sweet and funny we are always laughing, kissing, cuddling, laughing some more.

I am so grateful that we found each other. Tinder is a miracle. It brought us together. He was wonderful to wait while I figured out that he was the one for me. He is so sweet to me I thank my lucky swipe every day.

If you’re struggling to find love, don’t give up. I found it, at the ripe old age of 45, grey hair, peri-menopause and all. If it can happen to me it can happen to anyone.

Don’t stop swiping. Or hoping. Love is on its way. In the meantime love yourself. And pet all the cats you can!

Bananas

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I am recently obsessed with bananas.  Not eating them. More with wearing them, & finding banana everything.  I hunted down banana print fabric and made my dream “Pilates pants” finally.  I’ve made a small collection of banana print clothes, photos will follow as soon as elskan mín has time off to help me document my emerging clothing line.

And I’m completely bananas for elskan mín.  We are a perfect pair. I am grateful every day that we found each other. He makes me so happy.  He is helping me remember that I’m funny and fun. He loves me, even things I thought no one would love. He does hate it when I interrupt him, a terrible habit I have that I’m trying to stop doing and since I really hate making him upset I am trying to remember to listen better even when I’m so excited to blurt things out. He makes me like myself a lot and also want to be better at the same time.  It’s everything I was wishing for.

Even if it seems impossible keep wishing. Keep dreaming. Be patient or impatient but don’t give up all hope. Keep a shred. Love can happen.

Even to a spinsterhag!

ode to Portland

I’ve been in Portland for a little over 4 years now, in my little dollhouse apt for 4 years as of October first. It has taken me a looooooong time to say

I like you, Portland.

This fall is just gorgeous. No rain, beautiful skies and temperatures. I’m also in love and life is going pretty well so that makes it easy to see the sunny side of life. But I am really liking Portland, finally!

It’s not love, but who knows? Maybe someday I’ll swoon over this town, weirder shit has happened. Like finding true love on tinder.

I love the clouds in Portland. I love all the trees, and the light on the leaves. Fall colors are pretty stunning here, if not like glorious Connecticu(n)t. I love the cats, you’ll see cats walking through many neighborhoods. I love the little metal rings that harken back to when people parked horses instead of cars. And the roses. I love the roses. It is known as the city of roses and they are everywhere. I smell them often.

I am excited about my life here, finally. I feel hope for the present and the future, which for me is a rare state, optimism doesn’t come naturally. I’m so grateful that I’ve found home, work, love and can feel some tender roots starting to sink down in this place.

And only 2 months until Iceland!!!!!

Will love destroy my blog?

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Nothing fuels creativity like emotional fuckery and frustration, right? Artistic angst is pure gold, for sure. But suffering isn’t required for brilliant work. Case in point, Björk. She’s amazingly creative and profoundly positive. She’s never really had an Amy Winehouse-esque phase. She’s real, fully emotional and empowered always. Not that I think I’m on the same level as Björk, obviously. No. Duh. But I have been on a real creative roll with this blog, but now I’m in a relationship so I don’t have dating disasters or bullshit to report. I could describe how Elskan min & I hang out, staring at each other and smiling like people in love, cause we do and we are, but ew. Gag. No one wants to read that, right?

Even if I get married, my spinsterhag heart will always live on. My old-lady-don’t-give-a-fuck jedi-voo-doo is building. I can’t wait to see how weird I get with age. The “Advanced Style” ladies inspire me greatly, as well as Baddie Winkle. I can see my future and it is fabulous!

I want to keep writing but I fear that it won’t be interesting, without the angst.

This blog will evolve. Like me. People like love stories, right? You’d think that people would have had enough of silly love songs, but I look around and I see it isn’t so. Love songs fill the radio. I can write about love. I got love comin’ outta my ass!

Ok. Love will NOT tear us apart!

Be in love & carry on.

 

 

Post 100! (how did I get here?!)

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This is my one hundredth post! Wow! I didn’t expect to get here. I certainly did not expect to be in love, in a relationship and so happy I smile for no reason, a bit less than 4 months after my first post. I met elskan min 2 months after the birth of spinsterhag, to the day. It was a weird start, with me dating 2 other dudes, although Benedict wasn’t really “dating”. Ed Norton was barely “dating”. My amazing boyfriend said “I don’t like that you’re dating other guys, but You’re Worth It so I’ll deal with it.”  That was epic. And terrifying. I had gotten so used to being jerked around by wild chemistry followed by vows of celibacy, or just the garden variety hot/cold/does-he-like-me?doesn’t-he-like-me? bullshit. Someone just upfront, into me and not afraid of a weird situation but willing to wait it out. Because I Am Worth It. It is amazing. And I am worth it.

It takes work for me to feel worthy. My dad destroyed my sense of self-worth, right at the time of life when I blossomed into womanhood. At 12. I hated my new body, and then I just hated myself. It took almost 20 years to really start to have a deep confidence, which comes and goes, but I am no longer so afraid of feeling good about myself.

I’ve struggled with depression since early childhood. I was really drowning in it when I started writing, but angry enough that I had some fire under the overwhelming sadness, some traction to create. I’ve been doing really well with my depression, blogging, bone broth and boning my boyfriend all seem to be the perfect prescription for me.

I am so grateful for finding elskan min. He is amazing. He is so sexy. So cute. So funny. He’s the best. The Best! Blah, blah,blah.

And despite the lovefest, Spinsterhag carries on. I can’t wait to see where it all is in a year’s time. Hopefully the book will be underway! And t-shirts. T-shirts are coming.

Sk8Hag Forever! (just lay there!)

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I can’t believe how in love I am! It’s been so long that I feared I was completely broken, incapable  of finding someone I connected with and had a mutual level of interest/attraction/communication/humor/sex-drive/sexual-interest/etc. I was so wrong.

Unbelievably, we found each other on Tinder. Yes. Tinder. Bless that shit, it worked.

We have the same super fucked up humor. We make each other laugh. So often. So hard.

We have beautifully meshing libidos. He’s exactly the same kind of sensual/sexual as me, and it’s amazing.

I can even sleep well next to him, even this early on, which is rare for me. Although I do still wake him up touching him sometimes and make him mad in his sleep. He barked at me the other night (when I touched his hip with my ice-cold hands) “just lay there!” and had zero memory of doing so. Now it’s an inside joke.

If we were famous, like Brangelina, our name would be Sk8Hag, obviously.

Merch is coming, just like winter. Spinsterhag t-shirts will exist. I might even make some special, one-of-a-kind shirts with fringy hair and google eyes. My inner spinsterhag is itching to create, now that I’ve got love and sex and friendship I’m feeling so creative again. My refrigerator has become a giant mood board. A wonderfully weird mood board, complete with inappropriate use of vintage children’s learning toys and a collection of art cards I’ve been accumulating  for years. I feel like I’m blossoming into myself in a way that I’ve longed to do but didn’t know how. For the first time in a long time I’m looking at life as a gift, not a chore or a waiting room. It feels good.

If I had any advice it’d be “get weird. let it out. don’t care if you’re too weird. it’s funner than too boring”.

Like attracts like, and I’ve found my weird-mate. He’s the best. He doesn’t read this because he says it feels too much like reading my diary. He’s so sweet. And salty. My favorite combination.