So lost

I’m having a hard time.  It’s the anniversary time of my mother dying, which is adding to my sadness.  Getting dumped didn’t help, I’m still sad about that.  I miss him. I still miss my mom, so many years later. I’m a person full of holes.  My life is feeling like one big hole right now.  I wish I could just disappear into it.

I need to build a life for myself.  It seems impossible.  I’ve been living in Portland for almost 5 years and I don’t have a close friend here. Work is still not thriving. I’m failing at the most basic things. I’m too old to be this bad at the basics of life.

I don’t know how to make friends. And I’m so full of shame about how lame my life is to even feel like I can reach out, not that there’s anyone to reach to.

People my age are mostly married or seriously partnered, busy, busy busy with work and friends and family and their wonderful lives. Meanwhile I’m losing my mind to the emptiness that is my life.

I’m pretty introverted.  I don’t need lots of friends.  But I need some.  I’ve got some great ones but they’re all far away. I can’t stand doing “fun” things alone anymore. I feel like a pariah being alone. So I’m just hiding in my house like a weird hermit.  Which I need to do but when it’s all the time I start to lose it. And I’m losing it.

Did I ever have it, though? I’m not sure. I’m trying to be grateful for what I do have. But I’m still overwhelmed by sadness. By aloneness. By emptiness.

I guess it’s pretty fucking zen though.

3 things…

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(My photo of some street art stickers)

I am feeling sad. I am feeling empty. I am feeling hopeless.

I’m going to write about 3 things that I’m grateful for.  I have no idea if it will actually help me feel any better, when people tell me to “count my blessings” I just count to three in my mind to keep from punching them in the throat.  But no one told me to do this.  It’s an experiment.   If you think it’s really stupid, you can just go read any number of other posts, or other blogs for that matter.  I am not guaranteeing it’ll be entertaining in any way.

# 1

my friends.

I might be very alone & lonely in Portland but I’ve got a handful of very wonderful friends. They might be living far away but I talk on the phone & video chat with them.  Sometimes I laugh my ass off. Sometimes I’m wicked depressed and a friend is there to listen and remind me that I’ll be ok. That I am loved.  Sometimes I’m the one who listens, reminds them they’ll be ok, that they are loved, try to make them laugh or be there when they cry.

# 2

my apartment

I lucked out at a very terrible time shortly after moving to Portland and found a tiny little dollhouse of an attic apartment. I can afford it, sometimes barely, and it’s all mine, no roommates.  It’s ridiculously small but cozy and cute. It’s in a great neighborhood.

# 3

work I love

My work situation has its issues but I have great clients and I love what I do.  I need more clients but 2 years ago I was scrambling and doing all kinds of random jobs and had a debilitating injury from one of those jobs that’s only now mostly healed. It was brutal and I thought it would never get better. But it has, even if I have a long way to go.  I’m so grateful to be able to do work I love.

 

I have come really far from where I was 2 or 3 years ago. But when I look at where that is it’s not easy to feel good about it, to not be ashamed that this is an accomplishment. I’m getting by instead of just barely scraping by.  But I can say I pulled myself up after having the rug pulled out from under me in a soul crushing way. I was frighteningly and deeply depressed, beyond my baseline level of depressed,  for a over a year and I am still alive.

Can you be grateful and dissatisfied at the same time?

Apparently so.