Post 100! (how did I get here?!)

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This is my one hundredth post! Wow! I didn’t expect to get here. I certainly did not expect to be in love, in a relationship and so happy I smile for no reason, a bit less than 4 months after my first post. I met elskan min 2 months after the birth of spinsterhag, to the day. It was a weird start, with me dating 2 other dudes, although Benedict wasn’t really “dating”. Ed Norton was barely “dating”. My amazing boyfriend said “I don’t like that you’re dating other guys, but You’re Worth It so I’ll deal with it.”  That was epic. And terrifying. I had gotten so used to being jerked around by wild chemistry followed by vows of celibacy, or just the garden variety hot/cold/does-he-like-me?doesn’t-he-like-me? bullshit. Someone just upfront, into me and not afraid of a weird situation but willing to wait it out. Because I Am Worth It. It is amazing. And I am worth it.

It takes work for me to feel worthy. My dad destroyed my sense of self-worth, right at the time of life when I blossomed into womanhood. At 12. I hated my new body, and then I just hated myself. It took almost 20 years to really start to have a deep confidence, which comes and goes, but I am no longer so afraid of feeling good about myself.

I’ve struggled with depression since early childhood. I was really drowning in it when I started writing, but angry enough that I had some fire under the overwhelming sadness, some traction to create. I’ve been doing really well with my depression, blogging, bone broth and boning my boyfriend all seem to be the perfect prescription for me.

I am so grateful for finding elskan min. He is amazing. He is so sexy. So cute. So funny. He’s the best. The Best! Blah, blah,blah.

And despite the lovefest, Spinsterhag carries on. I can’t wait to see where it all is in a year’s time. Hopefully the book will be underway! And t-shirts. T-shirts are coming.

Sk8Hag Forever! (just lay there!)

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I can’t believe how in love I am! It’s been so long that I feared I was completely broken, incapable  of finding someone I connected with and had a mutual level of interest/attraction/communication/humor/sex-drive/sexual-interest/etc. I was so wrong.

Unbelievably, we found each other on Tinder. Yes. Tinder. Bless that shit, it worked.

We have the same super fucked up humor. We make each other laugh. So often. So hard.

We have beautifully meshing libidos. He’s exactly the same kind of sensual/sexual as me, and it’s amazing.

I can even sleep well next to him, even this early on, which is rare for me. Although I do still wake him up touching him sometimes and make him mad in his sleep. He barked at me the other night (when I touched his hip with my ice-cold hands) “just lay there!” and had zero memory of doing so. Now it’s an inside joke.

If we were famous, like Brangelina, our name would be Sk8Hag, obviously.

Merch is coming, just like winter. Spinsterhag t-shirts will exist. I might even make some special, one-of-a-kind shirts with fringy hair and google eyes. My inner spinsterhag is itching to create, now that I’ve got love and sex and friendship I’m feeling so creative again. My refrigerator has become a giant mood board. A wonderfully weird mood board, complete with inappropriate use of vintage children’s learning toys and a collection of art cards I’ve been accumulating  for years. I feel like I’m blossoming into myself in a way that I’ve longed to do but didn’t know how. For the first time in a long time I’m looking at life as a gift, not a chore or a waiting room. It feels good.

If I had any advice it’d be “get weird. let it out. don’t care if you’re too weird. it’s funner than too boring”.

Like attracts like, and I’ve found my weird-mate. He’s the best. He doesn’t read this because he says it feels too much like reading my diary. He’s so sweet. And salty. My favorite combination.

 

 

So, Lara…

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Spinsterhag is changing. I started out so frustrated… with dating, without sex, it was a wonderful venting board. Then it just transformed my life to be letting that energy out and now I’m in love. Wonderful! But I have to keep writing. I cannot stop. So I’ll have to dig deep and find things to write about, despite all of the amazing cock I’m getting. Every. Day.

Being in love is lovely. Elskan min is lovely. Lovely lovely lovely. I hope I’m not making people gag in the street with how lovey-dovey I am. Sorry/not sorry.  I can’t believe that I’ve actually moved on from my Benedict obsession, but I actually have! It was great while it lasted. But elskan min is everything. It’s bananas how good it is. Newly exciting and deeply comfortable at the same time. Ah, being in love is so lovely.

I’m also more in love with Iceland than ever before! While I wished he was with me, I had a different kind of awesome time on my own and with my girlfriends. It was epic. I’m going back for Christmas! A Very Special Spinsterhag Christmas will be coming to a theatre near you early 2019!

I’ve been struggling in Portland to find good, lasting girlfriends. One was amazing but moved to Minnesota. I have an amazing girlfriend in Eugene, but I need someone in the town I live in perhaps? I hope I do find a good girlfriend here in Portland but the ones I have in Iceland are truly the fucking best!  I’ll be turning 46 in Akureri and cackling under the northern lights in the hot tub with my new friends.

In love with elskan min. In love with Iceland. Happy to be home in Portland. So fucking happy.  I am so grateful and feel so blessed, I just hope I don’t look so happy that I’m making people gag.

Sorry/not sorry!

#Tinderworks

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I’m home in Portland.  Feels like home for the first time.  Due in large part to my elskan mín.  It’s so good to be together again.

Reunited, & it feeeeels so goooood!

He’s awesome. Fràbært, dude. I’m so in love.  It’s getting better & better & better.  Love keeps lifting us higher.  Sappy songs mean so much all of the sudden.

Part of me was so scared that I was building it up in my head and we’d get together after my missing him in Iceland and it would be…crickets.  Underwhelming.  Disappointing.  That part of me was so wrong.

Its so good.  It started good but keeps getting better.  We’ve got some bananas chemistry.  It’s everything.

The other dude who I had chemistry with totally blew his chance to enjoy that shit, perhaps thinking I’d be available whenever it was convenient or the celibacy streak was completed or whatever. But now  I’m in love.  I want it to last. I hope it does. Maybe forever.

That chemistry was undeniable. Yow. Za.  But.  With elskan mín it’s just as good. Very different.  But just as amazing… and better because we’re like, totally in love!  And it’s growing.  And there’s no push/pull, jerking around, keeping me at arms length. He’s pulled me in close, and he’s not afraid of love. When great chemistry and love get together it’s pretty special.

I might have written about benedict cumberbatch for the last time.

 

Cackle-fest

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I’m having the best time in Iceland. It’s been so much better than I expected, and I expected to have an amazing time. I love this place so much.

My friends’ cousin invited me to come visit her in Akureyri after we met in Reykjavík.  She and I share a way-beyond-bad-taste-humor and a crazy witch cackle. I took the bus here, which took 6 1/2 hours, almost as long as my flight to Iceland! And it was worth it!

Akureyri is the second largest city in Iceland.  So it’s pretty tiny. It’s far north nestled in between fjords. It’s breathtakingly gorgeous.

My new friend has taken me into her home and I feel like family. Her sister is a fellow so-bad-it’s-so-good  humor and the witch cackle so it’s been hilarious.  My stomach hurts from laughing. I’m literally in heaven.

Yesterday we went to a place where there are hot pots (Icelandic for hot tubs) by the sea. We soaked in the hot water and waded our into the frigid sea. Heaven.  We ate lunch at a fish restaurant there and I am now a member of the rotten shark club, after choking down a sizable portion of the National “delicacy”. Then we came home and had a dinner party for the local branch of the Pirate Party, the new progressive political party my friends are part of.  Ain’t no party like a pirate party!  Delicious food, drinks, great company and lots of cackling ensued.  It was lovely. The best day.

Today I’ll head back to Reykjavík. Some of the pirates are letting me ride back with them so it will be much quicker and way more fun than the bus was. I’ll miss it here but I’m sure I’ll be back again soon. My new friends are already planning what we’ll do on my next visit.

Ive got only a few more days here in Iceland.  I’ve always been so sad to leave, crying the day I leave because I want to stay forever.  This time while I want to stay forever I’m also so excited to get home to my boyfriend.

This is how I know I’m in love.

I am not a Cougar!

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Read title with full Arnold accent

 

So I’ve been showing a picture of my boyfriend to my friends. It’s so nice to have a boyfriend to brag about! And my friends were probably tired of seeing pics of all the cats I know. So it’s exciting!  But almost everyone has said “oh, he’s much younger than you!” And no, he’s not! He’ll be 45 at the end of the month, I’ll be 46 before Christmas. We’re essentially the same age.

I am NOT a cougar!

I’ve written about the cougar double standard before.  It’s bullshit. Women who are with younger men are dubbed predatory animals while men are just dubbed…men. With a congratulatory pat on the back. This is infuriating.

And now I’m feeling like people will think I’m his mother or maybe an elderly aunt? Fuck.

Its probably all the grey hair. It’s about to reach that critical mass tipping point where I am no longer a brunette going grey, I’m just…grey. I love my grey hair.  It’s gorgeous.  But I don’t want to look old! Yet another double standard. Ugh.

Men are “distinguished” with grey hair. Women are told to cover that shit up with toxic dye until they die. Fuck that.

“Andy” loves my grey hair. He thinks it’s sexy AF. So I’m not so worried. But if someone thinks I’m his mom I will go full cougar on their ass and bite their head off. Grrrrrrrr.

Ive got 4 full days left in Iceland. The fifth day I’ll be going home where elskan mín will be waiting for me at the airport. He doesn’t even have a car, he’s taking the bus to pick me up! That’s true love right there.

Ive always dreaded leaving my beloved country of Iceland. I literally have cried each time I’ve left, actual tears.  This time is different. I want to stay forever and I also can’t wait to get back home. It’s such a strange dichotomy of emotions. But I know it means that I’m in love with him and with my life back home.

Moving to Portland nearly killed me. It has been one  of the most difficult times of my life.  I’ve been crippled by depression. I’ve been a total hermit spinsterhag for years. But I’ve turned a corner and now I love my life. I want to live it. Love helps but it’s not just my love for Andy it’s love for myself. For the world, as fucked up as it is it’s also beautiful and nourishing. For the first time in a very long time I cannot wait to see what happens.

Dont worry, I’ll keep you posted by posting.

Just don’t call me a Cougar!

My love affair with Iceland

F2F9DE41-2DC4-48AC-BEB3-CB0D14833254It was love at first sight.

I first visited Iceland 10 years ago. My love of Björk led me there. And my love for Iceland keeps me coming back.

Its beautiful. Epically gorgeous. It’s also full of amazing and creative people making incredible art, music, fashion, food, etc. They have a very black humour which I share. They might seem a bit cold at first to those who enjoy aggressive friendliness but once you get to know them they are warm and generous people. I have made wonderful friends. I feel like I’m a visitor more than a tourist.  My friends have welcomed me into their home like family. I’m currently on a bus going North to stay with my friends’ cousin who met me and invited me to stay with her.  I’m so fucking grateful for all the love and kindness being bestowed upon me!

Here  are a few of my favorite things about Iceland.

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The hot springs.  The swimming pools. Even the tap water is geothermal.  That sulfur smell is pure heaven to me.

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The fact that you must wash without your swimsuit before entering a pool  This means no nasty fecal matter floating in the water! Please do it.

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The walkability. I’ve been walking all over town, taking in the sights, taking photos and looking at the lovely shops with local made items.

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The prevalence of Art. The museums are amazing. The street art is amazing. Most people have at least one creative “hobby” if not a full fledged pursuit. Many are gifted in many different forms.  Art is part of life here, not something just for privileged people.

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The cats.  There are cats all over town, out and about.  I am forever trying to photograph them. Some are local stars and really know how to pose.

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The colorful houses. They brighten the city when it’s gloomy and grey. It’s cheerful even in the rain.

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It’s made a home in my heart. I miss it when I’m away. I never want to leave, except now that I have my elskan mín waiting at home for me I actually want to go home. To him. It’s blowing my mind. It’s lovely to be in love.

Someday I’ll bring my love to the place I love most and it’ll be an epic love fest.

For now I’m having the best time possible without him by my side. He’s keeping my heart warm from a thousand miles away.