Not too shabby

91AF0DA1-CE4E-4BD8-B559-E48DA9E3FEBB

I began blogging on May 31, & now 7 months later I’m still going, even if I’ve slowed down a bit.

I’m so grateful for discovering this outlet and even more for the people who are reading & following!  I can’t believe how many visitors & views have racked up.

I’m planning to get to work on creating a book next year, & will also make a spinsterhag t-shirt once I’ve got an image.  Perhaps I’ll be the new “eat, pray, love” bitch on the block!  Or maybe it’ll just be for my own enjoyment.  Either way this has been a wonderful adventure that I’m very excited to see where it takes me.

Happy new year, dear Haglets!

Bring on the year of the Hag!

Jól

4F3B380B-4AD1-43E8-AFBB-6FEAA5704AFB0D8E4FE6-5FB1-4904-90E9-C84773C723747B09C92D-282D-4003-9614-E4A70DF06FB1B205C338-D2E9-4CFD-9EA0-13FC8525343A7D2A3B33-B88D-46B5-8E5F-822FF640553C9FED96A6-AE82-46E1-88D8-6D6917CCC6CE

It’s Christmas Eve in Iceland. The children are decorating the tree with lights and candies. Food is being prepared. I’m so grateful to be here experiencing Icelandic Jòl with my friends, feeling part of the family.  It’s not so much about the gifts as it is the experience of sharing time with family & friends, sharing food and enjoying the cozy time.

The only way this trip could be better would be if elskan mín was here with me.  I miss him terribly. I want to share my love of Iceland with him, introduce him to my friends and have adventures here together. Hopefully soon.

I both never want to leave & to go home to my love as soon as possible. That’s how I know it’s really love, he makes me glad when it’s time to go back home because he is there.

I hope you all are having a wonderful time today, whatever your beliefs or traditions. Even if it’s just relief that holidays are almost over! I hope the New Year is a wonderful one for us all. In a world that looks grim the light of love, friends & family is all we have. I’m so grateful.

Bring on 2019, the year of the Hag!

50 followers!

5AAE7EE6-F8C4-4B8D-93C2-F22A97A80F1B.jpeg

I’m in Akureyri.  It’s amazing.  Spending Christmas with my friends is so wonderful.  I’m missing elskan mín but other than that it’s perfect.

I’ve reached 50 followers!  Thanks to everyone who follows or just reads, I’m just floored that anyone is interested in my writings.  I’m so grateful. It’s saved my sanity & I hope it helps others do the same. We all need to know we are not alone.

I’m going to keep on writing and hopefully create a book in the new year. I am really proud of myself for following through with this blog. I needed an outlet and I just made one out of thin air. We all have hidden resources that if we dare tap into can save us from ourselves. This is at the heart of spinsterhag.  I’m just trying to understand my self, my life. I’m sometimes just ranting into the ether to keep from tearing my hair out. I never expected to have strangers read it.  I feel actually blessed to be reaching people around the world with my writing. I do this for me but if anyone feels better after reading that is the icing on the cake.

I’m wishing everyone a wonderful holiday, whatever you celebrate.  I’m just celebrating being alive and  not too depressed to enjoy it.  I’m celebrating being in love, having dear friends to spend time & laugh with, getting older and seeing another year approach as this one comes to pass.

When I look back to a year ago I can hardly believe how far I’ve come.  I feel like I’m finally able to see a future.  I have no idea what it holds but I welcome it.

2019, the year of the hag!

 

A Very Spinsterhag Christmas starts now

35FE5427-E057-4E14-8AA4-992835C38D44

11FC3AEB-DA5D-4A50-888E-CA4ED289C9E8

FDDD68CF-7138-4019-A23D-55CE82365BA4
Don’t need fish soup, takk.

 

I have not written in way too long. Sorry/not sorry.  I’m renewing my fervor.  Don’t worry.  Love won’t kill my blog.

But it is censoring it.  SO MANY things I would write if elskan mín didn’t mind, but it’s ok.  I respect him. I still have plenty to write about.

A Very Spinsterhag Christmas starts now. Landing in Iceland tomorrow 6am Iceland time.  So excited. I will post my adventures. Stay tuned.  & the book is in the works. & t shirts.

2019, the year of the hag.

Are you going to blog about this?

F7DD0AC4-3725-48F2-B558-6D96A70C915A.pngApparently all you need to be happy is open arms and balloons.  Lots of balloons.  That must be what I’m doing wrong!

I had a wonderful holiday with elskan mín and my family.  It was really lovely.  I was going to write all about it.  But now it seems like a distant memory.  I’m not surrounded by balloons.  I’m not feeling like opening my arms. I feel like I’ve fucked it all up because I suck at being happy.

I was asked, accusingly, if I was going “to blog about this” not long ago.  And no, I’m not blogging about that. Or that.  But I need to write about this because now I’ve been plunged back into my native state of fear & anxiety and blogging helps.   Who knows why.  Maybe I should try balloons.  But I was also told, in a heated moment, that I’m “never happy!”   And this made me want to run. Hide. Die or dissolve into the ether.

People Being happy isn’t something I grew up around. My parents were both deeply unhappy people. I was a very happy child but being sexually assaulted as a toddler at daycare and then feeling abandoned by my father during my parents divorce a few years later put a huge damper on my happiness. I was depressed as a young girl.  I pulled my hair out in handfuls when my dad moved out. I know anxiety well. Fear. Depression.  Happiness seemed like a fleeting trick or something reserved for better people.

Being told that my deepest fear is actually true I really flipped out.  I started to just bolt but then stayed to try and talk but that didn’t go well.  When I get emotionally stabbed in my most vulnerable wound I am not good at staying calm or rational.  I probably don’t hear what the person is saying after clearly.  All I know is I’ve failed at just being a good, happy person and I’m humiliated that I ever thought I’d succeed.

Falling in love is amazing.  And I’m so in love. I want to make a life with this man. Which feels amazing. And also terrifying. It’s so much more comfortable to stay alone and accept that being kind of ok but very lonely is the best I should dare to hope for. But I’ve gotten out on this limb of love and I want it to work.  I want to be happy.  But I think I’m really shit  at it. I’m scared of being to happy. Bad things can happen when your guard is down. But not much can happen when your guard is up,especially when it’s made of 12 inch thick bulletproof glass and you’ve become so lonely you’re actually invisible.

There was a fight.  We will talk.  I hope things can be worked out. I hope my fucking hot flashes cease. I hope for things I dare not hope for and hate myself for it when it all goes wrong. But I want to learn to be happy and not self destruct because it’s more familiar. I want a life with love and connection and I hope I can build that, with elskan mín.  I hope I haven’t ruined things already. I wish I’d gotten better at relationships by my age but all I can do is try to be better now.

I’m totally  failing as a blogger because I was focusing on being in love. And when it goes wrong I turn here to try and get clarity, or just cope. But  I want to have both!  Certainly if it comes to it I’ll choose love for sure. I mean, I know my 44 followers will be fine without my intermittent rambling. And I’d be fine if things fall apart in this relationship but I don’t want to be fine, I want to be happy, as scared as I am.

But maybe I’ll get to have it all?

the first “fight”

Screen Shot 2018-11-08 at 3.04.19 PM

(if only our first “fight” was in Iceland driving the ring road like this photo appears to be, so romantic!)

 

We had our first fight. An argument, sort of. Really a misunderstanding, miscommunication, a discussion that got emotional and ultimately ended in a wonderful talk that clarified some real key issues and brought us closer. But in the middle of it I was terrified. That I would ruin everything.

I don’t like to fight. Or argue. It’s not fun. I love to discuss, and I’ve found a man who likes me having “strong opinions” and we can disagree on things and there is no problem. This is wonderful.

But while my emotions were getting the best of me I was feeling total despair. I want him to understand me, to see me as I am. When I realized that he had gotten this skewed image and I was trying to make things clear I was so scared that I’d fail  or maybe he’d decide I wasn’t “good enough” for him.  But then we talked it out and it was so good to resolve things through the tears and confusion.

I love him SO much. And this gratitude feels so good, almost as good as being in his arms.

We are going to spend Thanksgiving with my family.  I’ve never taken a boyfriend to a family function, ever. I wish he could meet my mom so much. I think she’d approve. I’m looking forward to this milestone, and all the ones to follow.

Spinsterhag is turning into a grownup!

 

love is everything

IMG_2892

Love transforms everything it touches. I was convinced I’d never find love and have to spend my life alone, maybe someday being able to get a cat was the best I dared hope for.

Then I met elskan min. But at first I wasn’t sure… I was involved with both Ben & Ed, and I insanely thought that maybe it would go somewhere, with Ed at least. And I did like him, I liked them both. But neither were emotionally available in any real way. And neither were the perfect man for me either.

My dearest elskan min is so perfect for me. If only he was rich it’d be a fucking fairytale! But I love him and I think we’ll be able to make a lovely life together despite our collective economic struggles. We are a perfect pair, he makes me feel so comfortable and he’s so sweet and funny we are always laughing, kissing, cuddling, laughing some more.

I am so grateful that we found each other. Tinder is a miracle. It brought us together. He was wonderful to wait while I figured out that he was the one for me. He is so sweet to me I thank my lucky swipe every day.

If you’re struggling to find love, don’t give up. I found it, at the ripe old age of 45, grey hair, peri-menopause and all. If it can happen to me it can happen to anyone.

Don’t stop swiping. Or hoping. Love is on its way. In the meantime love yourself. And pet all the cats you can!