adrift

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not my image, googled “uninspired” & voila!

 

Forgive me, it’s been 48 days since my last post.

I was so happy in Iceland. I was so happy to come home to elskan min. I was just happy.

Then some things combined to conspire against my sunny disposition. Winter, for one. Without the pool, hot tub, sauna, steam room or nature hot springs to warm me up I’ve been feeling cold, tired of the grey skies, rain and dark. It’s freezing in my uninsulated house. I bundle up but I’m cold. In multiple sweaters.

I am also recovering from an injury. It is getting better, slowly, but anything can flare it up and then I’m really hurting. All the things I’d love to be doing hurt it. Sewing. Typing blog posts. Reorganizing, decluttering, cleaning, all things I actually really need to do and do enjoy, weird but true. So I’ve been resting. And it’s made me restless.

Work isn’t going great. That isn’t helping either. Perimenopause is also not helping, I’m often weepy, crying at sappy songs on the radio, or some random sight out the bus window. I’m sinking into something depression-adjacent. I feel adrift, from my self.

I had some great ideas for posts when I was just returning from Iceland. But I was busy reuniting with elskan min, too busy to be writing. Now I can’t remember ever having a brilliant idea for anything, let alone this blog.

So I’m writing about not knowing what to write about. Metta, I know. Maybe I’ll build some momentum. I need to be creative. Not being creative or able to clean is making me feel very unhappy. I literally spent most of yesterday feeling like I’m a total failure and have wasted my entire life. Today was a little better. Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel like my self has finally come ashore on the raft it’s been drifting on, grounded instead of floating aimlessly. Maybe tuesday I’ll have an idea of some decent proportion.

 

Ok, now I’ve got to go do my ice/heat therapy, my body isn’t willing to type anymore. Spinsterhag isn’t a spring chicken anymore. But she’s not dead either!

Long live Spinsterhag!

Not too shabby

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I began blogging on May 31, & now 7 months later I’m still going, even if I’ve slowed down a bit.

I’m so grateful for discovering this outlet and even more for the people who are reading & following!  I can’t believe how many visitors & views have racked up.

I’m planning to get to work on creating a book next year, & will also make a spinsterhag t-shirt once I’ve got an image.  Perhaps I’ll be the new “eat, pray, love” bitch on the block!  Or maybe it’ll just be for my own enjoyment.  Either way this has been a wonderful adventure that I’m very excited to see where it takes me.

Happy new year, dear Haglets!

Bring on the year of the Hag!

Hot flash

 

 

I decided to take a lovely hot bath it bath last night. It was lovely. Until a hot flash struck.  I jumped out of the tub and almost passed out.  I wrapped my towel around me and went outside onto the deck, into the freezing Icelandic night. Ahhhh.  Blissful cold air!  The solution to hot flashes-  move to Iceland!

I’ve not had a period for about 80 days now.  Who knows when & even if  I’ll have another. I used to be like clockwork!  It’s really weird to have no idea when or if it’s coming.

The hot flashes are the worst. I used to love bundling up in cold weather but now I have to be able to get some cold air on my skin immediately so my previous layering system is now defunct. I’m glad I’ve got some fabulous coats.  Now I understand those women who I used to wonder “isn’t she cold?” about.  No.  Not cold. She’s sweating in winter because her body has become a furnace.

Isn’t middle age fun?

50 followers!

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I’m in Akureyri.  It’s amazing.  Spending Christmas with my friends is so wonderful.  I’m missing elskan mín but other than that it’s perfect.

I’ve reached 50 followers!  Thanks to everyone who follows or just reads, I’m just floored that anyone is interested in my writings.  I’m so grateful. It’s saved my sanity & I hope it helps others do the same. We all need to know we are not alone.

I’m going to keep on writing and hopefully create a book in the new year. I am really proud of myself for following through with this blog. I needed an outlet and I just made one out of thin air. We all have hidden resources that if we dare tap into can save us from ourselves. This is at the heart of spinsterhag.  I’m just trying to understand my self, my life. I’m sometimes just ranting into the ether to keep from tearing my hair out. I never expected to have strangers read it.  I feel actually blessed to be reaching people around the world with my writing. I do this for me but if anyone feels better after reading that is the icing on the cake.

I’m wishing everyone a wonderful holiday, whatever you celebrate.  I’m just celebrating being alive and  not too depressed to enjoy it.  I’m celebrating being in love, having dear friends to spend time & laugh with, getting older and seeing another year approach as this one comes to pass.

When I look back to a year ago I can hardly believe how far I’ve come.  I feel like I’m finally able to see a future.  I have no idea what it holds but I welcome it.

2019, the year of the hag!

 

A Very Spinsterhag Christmas starts now

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Don’t need fish soup, takk.

 

I have not written in way too long. Sorry/not sorry.  I’m renewing my fervor.  Don’t worry.  Love won’t kill my blog.

But it is censoring it.  SO MANY things I would write if elskan mín didn’t mind, but it’s ok.  I respect him. I still have plenty to write about.

A Very Spinsterhag Christmas starts now. Landing in Iceland tomorrow 6am Iceland time.  So excited. I will post my adventures. Stay tuned.  & the book is in the works. & t shirts.

2019, the year of the hag.

Are you going to blog about this?

F7DD0AC4-3725-48F2-B558-6D96A70C915A.pngApparently all you need to be happy is open arms and balloons.  Lots of balloons.  That must be what I’m doing wrong!

I had a wonderful holiday with elskan mín and my family.  It was really lovely.  I was going to write all about it.  But now it seems like a distant memory.  I’m not surrounded by balloons.  I’m not feeling like opening my arms. I feel like I’ve fucked it all up because I suck at being happy.

I was asked, accusingly, if I was going “to blog about this” not long ago.  And no, I’m not blogging about that. Or that.  But I need to write about this because now I’ve been plunged back into my native state of fear & anxiety and blogging helps.   Who knows why.  Maybe I should try balloons.  But I was also told, in a heated moment, that I’m “never happy!”   And this made me want to run. Hide. Die or dissolve into the ether.

People Being happy isn’t something I grew up around. My parents were both deeply unhappy people. I was a very happy child but being sexually assaulted as a toddler at daycare and then feeling abandoned by my father during my parents divorce a few years later put a huge damper on my happiness. I was depressed as a young girl.  I pulled my hair out in handfuls when my dad moved out. I know anxiety well. Fear. Depression.  Happiness seemed like a fleeting trick or something reserved for better people.

Being told that my deepest fear is actually true I really flipped out.  I started to just bolt but then stayed to try and talk but that didn’t go well.  When I get emotionally stabbed in my most vulnerable wound I am not good at staying calm or rational.  I probably don’t hear what the person is saying after clearly.  All I know is I’ve failed at just being a good, happy person and I’m humiliated that I ever thought I’d succeed.

Falling in love is amazing.  And I’m so in love. I want to make a life with this man. Which feels amazing. And also terrifying. It’s so much more comfortable to stay alone and accept that being kind of ok but very lonely is the best I should dare to hope for. But I’ve gotten out on this limb of love and I want it to work.  I want to be happy.  But I think I’m really shit  at it. I’m scared of being to happy. Bad things can happen when your guard is down. But not much can happen when your guard is up,especially when it’s made of 12 inch thick bulletproof glass and you’ve become so lonely you’re actually invisible.

There was a fight.  We will talk.  I hope things can be worked out. I hope my fucking hot flashes cease. I hope for things I dare not hope for and hate myself for it when it all goes wrong. But I want to learn to be happy and not self destruct because it’s more familiar. I want a life with love and connection and I hope I can build that, with elskan mín.  I hope I haven’t ruined things already. I wish I’d gotten better at relationships by my age but all I can do is try to be better now.

I’m totally  failing as a blogger because I was focusing on being in love. And when it goes wrong I turn here to try and get clarity, or just cope. But  I want to have both!  Certainly if it comes to it I’ll choose love for sure. I mean, I know my 44 followers will be fine without my intermittent rambling. And I’d be fine if things fall apart in this relationship but I don’t want to be fine, I want to be happy, as scared as I am.

But maybe I’ll get to have it all?

the first “fight”

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(if only our first “fight” was in Iceland driving the ring road like this photo appears to be, so romantic!)

 

We had our first fight. An argument, sort of. Really a misunderstanding, miscommunication, a discussion that got emotional and ultimately ended in a wonderful talk that clarified some real key issues and brought us closer. But in the middle of it I was terrified. That I would ruin everything.

I don’t like to fight. Or argue. It’s not fun. I love to discuss, and I’ve found a man who likes me having “strong opinions” and we can disagree on things and there is no problem. This is wonderful.

But while my emotions were getting the best of me I was feeling total despair. I want him to understand me, to see me as I am. When I realized that he had gotten this skewed image and I was trying to make things clear I was so scared that I’d fail  or maybe he’d decide I wasn’t “good enough” for him.  But then we talked it out and it was so good to resolve things through the tears and confusion.

I love him SO much. And this gratitude feels so good, almost as good as being in his arms.

We are going to spend Thanksgiving with my family.  I’ve never taken a boyfriend to a family function, ever. I wish he could meet my mom so much. I think she’d approve. I’m looking forward to this milestone, and all the ones to follow.

Spinsterhag is turning into a grownup!