still growing…

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(whoever is the artist responsible for this, thank you. it’s gorgeous.)

 

My life has changed drastically in the past month. Since I’ve been back from my epic Iceland visit I’ve been so happy. I’m in love. I’m creating things, making my home gorgeous, organizing & decorating. And shopping. Must. Stop. Shopping.

I go through phases. And I can go through compulsive shopping phases. Dangerous. But fruitful. I’ve got some epic items due to these phases. But I need to keep it in check.

I’ve decided to make October an Official Stop Shopping Month for me. I’ll start tomorrow, and go through November 1. Then I may need to buy some Christmas gifts, but I’m really committing to stopping shopping. I’ve been collecting some divine vintage pieces as well as just adding to my fall/winter wardrobe but I have enough. For real.

I have a lot of clothing. A. Lot. I collect clothing. And hats.

I want to collect all manner of things. It’s in my blood. My mother was a pack-rat. My father was a hoarder. Epic, mentally ill level hoarding. It made me realize I had a propensity for such behavior. Now I have some perspective I also see that compulsive shopping binges may run in my family. I need to stay in check.

I went through several years of being so poor. Food stamps poor. Using paper napkins saved from when I could afford take-out as toilet paper, because food stamps can’t buy toilet paper and I had no extra money after paying my rent and bills. It sucked. I didn’t but anything for so long. Now I’ve made up for lost time. Now it’s time to save money, like the Bonus Pig.

I’ve also got to figure out what the fuck to write about now that I’m in a relationship and done dating, and relaying my hell and hedonistic adventures. Elskan min isn’t into being exposed here, I gotta keep on writing and find a new path. I’ve got some ideas. You’ll see them soon. Spinsterhag style will be coming. As well as Spinsterhag clothing. T-shirts will only be the tip of the Iceberg.

Will love destroy my blog?

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Nothing fuels creativity like emotional fuckery and frustration, right? Artistic angst is pure gold, for sure. But suffering isn’t required for brilliant work. Case in point, Björk. She’s amazingly creative and profoundly positive. She’s never really had an Amy Winehouse-esque phase. She’s real, fully emotional and empowered always. Not that I think I’m on the same level as Björk, obviously. No. Duh. But I have been on a real creative roll with this blog, but now I’m in a relationship so I don’t have dating disasters or bullshit to report. I could describe how Elskan min & I hang out, staring at each other and smiling like people in love, cause we do and we are, but ew. Gag. No one wants to read that, right?

Even if I get married, my spinsterhag heart will always live on. My old-lady-don’t-give-a-fuck jedi-voo-doo is building. I can’t wait to see how weird I get with age. The “Advanced Style” ladies inspire me greatly, as well as Baddie Winkle. I can see my future and it is fabulous!

I want to keep writing but I fear that it won’t be interesting, without the angst.

This blog will evolve. Like me. People like love stories, right? You’d think that people would have had enough of silly love songs, but I look around and I see it isn’t so. Love songs fill the radio. I can write about love. I got love comin’ outta my ass!

Ok. Love will NOT tear us apart!

Be in love & carry on.

 

 

Post 100! (how did I get here?!)

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This is my one hundredth post! Wow! I didn’t expect to get here. I certainly did not expect to be in love, in a relationship and so happy I smile for no reason, a bit less than 4 months after my first post. I met elskan min 2 months after the birth of spinsterhag, to the day. It was a weird start, with me dating 2 other dudes, although Benedict wasn’t really “dating”. Ed Norton was barely “dating”. My amazing boyfriend said “I don’t like that you’re dating other guys, but You’re Worth It so I’ll deal with it.”  That was epic. And terrifying. I had gotten so used to being jerked around by wild chemistry followed by vows of celibacy, or just the garden variety hot/cold/does-he-like-me?doesn’t-he-like-me? bullshit. Someone just upfront, into me and not afraid of a weird situation but willing to wait it out. Because I Am Worth It. It is amazing. And I am worth it.

It takes work for me to feel worthy. My dad destroyed my sense of self-worth, right at the time of life when I blossomed into womanhood. At 12. I hated my new body, and then I just hated myself. It took almost 20 years to really start to have a deep confidence, which comes and goes, but I am no longer so afraid of feeling good about myself.

I’ve struggled with depression since early childhood. I was really drowning in it when I started writing, but angry enough that I had some fire under the overwhelming sadness, some traction to create. I’ve been doing really well with my depression, blogging, bone broth and boning my boyfriend all seem to be the perfect prescription for me.

I am so grateful for finding elskan min. He is amazing. He is so sexy. So cute. So funny. He’s the best. The Best! Blah, blah,blah.

And despite the lovefest, Spinsterhag carries on. I can’t wait to see where it all is in a year’s time. Hopefully the book will be underway! And t-shirts. T-shirts are coming.

Sk8Hag Forever! (just lay there!)

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I can’t believe how in love I am! It’s been so long that I feared I was completely broken, incapable  of finding someone I connected with and had a mutual level of interest/attraction/communication/humor/sex-drive/sexual-interest/etc. I was so wrong.

Unbelievably, we found each other on Tinder. Yes. Tinder. Bless that shit, it worked.

We have the same super fucked up humor. We make each other laugh. So often. So hard.

We have beautifully meshing libidos. He’s exactly the same kind of sensual/sexual as me, and it’s amazing.

I can even sleep well next to him, even this early on, which is rare for me. Although I do still wake him up touching him sometimes and make him mad in his sleep. He barked at me the other night (when I touched his hip with my ice-cold hands) “just lay there!” and had zero memory of doing so. Now it’s an inside joke.

If we were famous, like Brangelina, our name would be Sk8Hag, obviously.

Merch is coming, just like winter. Spinsterhag t-shirts will exist. I might even make some special, one-of-a-kind shirts with fringy hair and google eyes. My inner spinsterhag is itching to create, now that I’ve got love and sex and friendship I’m feeling so creative again. My refrigerator has become a giant mood board. A wonderfully weird mood board, complete with inappropriate use of vintage children’s learning toys and a collection of art cards I’ve been accumulating  for years. I feel like I’m blossoming into myself in a way that I’ve longed to do but didn’t know how. For the first time in a long time I’m looking at life as a gift, not a chore or a waiting room. It feels good.

If I had any advice it’d be “get weird. let it out. don’t care if you’re too weird. it’s funner than too boring”.

Like attracts like, and I’ve found my weird-mate. He’s the best. He doesn’t read this because he says it feels too much like reading my diary. He’s so sweet. And salty. My favorite combination.

 

 

So, Lara…

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Spinsterhag is changing. I started out so frustrated… with dating, without sex, it was a wonderful venting board. Then it just transformed my life to be letting that energy out and now I’m in love. Wonderful! But I have to keep writing. I cannot stop. So I’ll have to dig deep and find things to write about, despite all of the amazing cock I’m getting. Every. Day.

Being in love is lovely. Elskan min is lovely. Lovely lovely lovely. I hope I’m not making people gag in the street with how lovey-dovey I am. Sorry/not sorry.  I can’t believe that I’ve actually moved on from my Benedict obsession, but I actually have! It was great while it lasted. But elskan min is everything. It’s bananas how good it is. Newly exciting and deeply comfortable at the same time. Ah, being in love is so lovely.

I’m also more in love with Iceland than ever before! While I wished he was with me, I had a different kind of awesome time on my own and with my girlfriends. It was epic. I’m going back for Christmas! A Very Special Spinsterhag Christmas will be coming to a theatre near you early 2019!

I’ve been struggling in Portland to find good, lasting girlfriends. One was amazing but moved to Minnesota. I have an amazing girlfriend in Eugene, but I need someone in the town I live in perhaps? I hope I do find a good girlfriend here in Portland but the ones I have in Iceland are truly the fucking best!  I’ll be turning 46 in Akureri and cackling under the northern lights in the hot tub with my new friends.

In love with elskan min. In love with Iceland. Happy to be home in Portland. So fucking happy.  I am so grateful and feel so blessed, I just hope I don’t look so happy that I’m making people gag.

Sorry/not sorry!

#Tinderworks

Fràbært

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I’m home in Portland.  Feels like home for the first time.  Due in large part to my elskan mín.  It’s so good to be together again.

Reunited, & it feeeeels so goooood!

He’s awesome. Fràbært, dude. I’m so in love.  It’s getting better & better & better.  Love keeps lifting us higher.  Sappy songs mean so much all of the sudden.

Part of me was so scared that I was building it up in my head and we’d get together after my missing him in Iceland and it would be…crickets.  Underwhelming.  Disappointing.  That part of me was so wrong.

Its so good.  It started good but keeps getting better.  We’ve got some bananas chemistry.  It’s everything.

The other dude who I had chemistry with totally blew his chance to enjoy that shit, perhaps thinking I’d be available whenever it was convenient or the celibacy streak was completed or whatever. But now  I’m in love.  I want it to last. I hope it does. Maybe forever.

That chemistry was undeniable. Yow. Za.  But.  With elskan mín it’s just as good. Very different.  But just as amazing… and better because we’re like, totally in love!  And it’s growing.  And there’s no push/pull, jerking around, keeping me at arms length. He’s pulled me in close, and he’s not afraid of love. When great chemistry and love get together it’s pretty special.

I might have written about benedict cumberbatch for the last time.

 

Cackle-fest

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I’m having the best time in Iceland. It’s been so much better than I expected, and I expected to have an amazing time. I love this place so much.

My friends’ cousin invited me to come visit her in Akureyri after we met in Reykjavík.  She and I share a way-beyond-bad-taste-humor and a crazy witch cackle. I took the bus here, which took 6 1/2 hours, almost as long as my flight to Iceland! And it was worth it!

Akureyri is the second largest city in Iceland.  So it’s pretty tiny. It’s far north nestled in between fjords. It’s breathtakingly gorgeous.

My new friend has taken me into her home and I feel like family. Her sister is a fellow so-bad-it’s-so-good  humor and the witch cackle so it’s been hilarious.  My stomach hurts from laughing. I’m literally in heaven.

Yesterday we went to a place where there are hot pots (Icelandic for hot tubs) by the sea. We soaked in the hot water and waded our into the frigid sea. Heaven.  We ate lunch at a fish restaurant there and I am now a member of the rotten shark club, after choking down a sizable portion of the National “delicacy”. Then we came home and had a dinner party for the local branch of the Pirate Party, the new progressive political party my friends are part of.  Ain’t no party like a pirate party!  Delicious food, drinks, great company and lots of cackling ensued.  It was lovely. The best day.

Today I’ll head back to Reykjavík. Some of the pirates are letting me ride back with them so it will be much quicker and way more fun than the bus was. I’ll miss it here but I’m sure I’ll be back again soon. My new friends are already planning what we’ll do on my next visit.

Ive got only a few more days here in Iceland.  I’ve always been so sad to leave, crying the day I leave because I want to stay forever.  This time while I want to stay forever I’m also so excited to get home to my boyfriend.

This is how I know I’m in love.